| Author | Post |
|---|
Kissies
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jan 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
|
Posted: 14 Jan 2009 02:49 am |
|
Hi everyone, I've been reading but I just joined. No one in my life knows anything about ED, so it's kind of an out reach. I figured people who are further along who have been through the same thing [older & wiser I suppose] can help me out, tell me what to expect and what to do while recovering. And beat some sense into me. :)
I am 19, almost 20. 5"2'. I was heavy most of my childhood. By 13 I was 165lb. I remember at that age, it was the first time I ever made myself throw up. Vegan chicken nuggets, in the upstairs bathroom sink. [I've been vegan a long time, it had nothing to do with ED.] I lost 25lb. within the next year, gained it back, threw up more, wouldn't eat for two days, give up, throw up, gain lose gain. You know. July 2007 I was about 135 again, and decided to go to a water park. Bad idea. I still remember like it was an hour ago, this small fit little girl in front of me spouting out to her boyfriend that she weighed 87lb. I was like.. "That's it. No food. Nope. Never again. Not until I'm 87lb." Yeah, fast forward to April 2008 when I quit both of my jobs because I couldn't stand up. I weighed 60lb. Just 60, you know, like the weight of a 7 year old. I've come a long ways, with NO doctor, NO hospital [I don't have the money for that, life or death, I don't.] It was hard at first, I would cry at the sight of food then throw a tantrum, but I got it down eventually. I went from eating 35 calories A DAY. That's about 2 leaves of lettuce and a half cup of frozen broccoli. That was what I ate daily, sometimes every other day, and I wouldn't let a single soul see me eat. Don't ask how I survived so long on that. But I got it through my thick addictive head that if I didn't raise that number I wouldn't be alive for much longer. Weeks or days probably. Could barely wake up. Anyway. I ate, 50 cal/day for a week, 100 for a week, 200 for a week or two, 300, 400, 500, maybe even 600, getting along fine! I looked way better and took up one of my jobs again! I was about 85lb.
Here's where the help is needed. Sorry if all that other stuff bored you, I've just never spoken about it before, had to get it all out. As of the past few weeks I've been gaining more, and it's making me extremely unhappy. I haven't weighed myself, but my clothes are tighter and I have a big bloated belly, to the point where people could mistake me for being pregnant. Seriously. I'd like to think I'm so much bigger because of this bloat and water retention, because I'm only eating around 4 or 5 hundred cal/day again. Sometimes I binge or screw up and have an 800 or 1,000 calorie day, then I'll grab the laxatives or throw up or something stupid and irrational. Threw up a few hours ago actually. I don't tell anyone I know about that, they know about the anorexia but that's it. Not a soul knows about purging. I would've liked to think I was cured. I don't like to think I still have an eating disorder, because people with ED shouldn't be gaining weight [by popular standard and belief. I know it happens.] I feel like a pig and my stomach hurts every single day. I only eat veggies, so I have to eat so many to feel full, then I just feel all sloshy and full of water and gas. Thus I must empty myself. Only sometimes though, when I feel I have "binged."
I'm not going to stop eating again, I know that's not the right thing to do. I keep pushing, but it seems like the more I push and the more I eat the more I gain and the less healthy, not to mention confident, I feel. My maximum intake does not exceed 600 calories though! And I'm still gaining! I'm so frustrated!! I'm probably about 95 or 100lb now, which is underweight for my height but it looks bad, it's all in my stomach and sides and hips, while I still have tiny little arms and legs. I have a gym membership but whenever I work out I have heart pain [murmur from the anorexia] and feel like I can't do it anymore, even when I'm just trying to pace myself.
So here are the questions I have and I need reassurance on, so please, if you've been there, could you help me out?
First, I feel like I will keep gaining if I keep eating. Should I eat more than 600 calories per day? Or a bigger variety? I'm scared of eating more, or something different. Something with sugar or something grain-like. Just because they have more calories, and I'm afraid I would gain more. I would probably just eat that a million times a day like I do with veggies now to feel full, which will lead to weight gain or binge/purge. I take vitamins for my Thiamine and B vitamins and things like that that I would normally get from these foods.
Second, anything that can help with the bloat and gas? I tried Gas-X and Mylanta, They work a tiny bit. I heard something about peppermint oil, but I really don't know what to do, and this is the main problem sort of, that makes me feel and look bad.
Third, anything that helps with digestion? I can't have yogurt, which I heard helps. so I bought vegan probiotics. I don't know how long they will take to kick in because I haven't noticed a difference yet and I've been taking them for a few weeks. They've probably had a disturbance with the laxatives and vomitting too, though.
Fourth, I know some of you are in your 20's, 30's and 40's and have been ED free for a long time. How long did it take you to feel good again? I heard it can affect you for 6 or more years after you start recovering. And If I'm going to be bloated and gaining for 6 more years.. I don't really know if I could take that. I know I did this to myself so I have to suffer through getting better, but it's still tough, you know?
I'm going to stop with the purging. It's getting less frequent I think. I don't need a doctor, hospital, couselor, or any of that. Well maybe I do but I won't get one, I'm stubborn and poor. That's why I just need help from people who have been through this.
I'm sorry for this really long post. Please just leave feedback and help if you can. It would mean a lot. A lot of the things I said you would probably read and be like "What you have to do is just common sense, duh. What a stupid girl." But if you want to be harsh on me, please make it a gentle kind of harsh. :)
Thank you and much love.
|
Kissies
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jan 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
|
Posted: 15 Jan 2009 01:31 am |
|
And I feel worse today.
|
savanna3
New Member
|
Posted: 15 Jan 2009 05:16 pm |
|
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. You have done some fantastic work though, so give yourself credit for that! 
I'm in my forties, definately older, don't know about wiser.  I can tell you about what has gone on during my recovery and that of others that I know. Here goes.
You really should increase your calories...by at least 1,000 a day for a total of almost 2,000. I know that sounds really scary, but when you increase like that your metabolism will kick up into high gear and you will NEED that many calories. I know it doesn't seem to make sense that you can gain on 600 but not on 2,000. But, it happened to me and so many others that I was in treatment with.
When a person has anorexia, your metabolism REALLY slows down. Once you start to nourish yourself again, your body will trust that you aren't going to starve it and your metabolism will really fire up. It's not uncommon to get hot flashes during re-feeding. In tx, it took me 3,200 cal a day to gain 2lbs a week! Yet when I was starving, I could gain on half of that. 
It's also normal for weight gain to start around your stomach. It's your body's way of protecting your internal organs. Your weight will re-distribute in a few months. I know it sucks, but it's normal.
Have you done any reading on ed's? There is a web site called Something Fishy that has tons of info and lots of support forums. You might want to check it out. Good luck and please don't give up.
|
Kissies
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jan 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
|
Posted: 15 Jan 2009 08:33 pm |
|
Thank you. :)
You're right, it doesn't seem like eating more will make you lose weight, but I believe you. It's just a really scary thought. Before I became anorexic I was on a diet eating 1,000 calories a day just to maintain and try to lose. So I'm scared that if I even go steady at 1,000 I will shoot right back up to where I was. I feel really full on 600, probably because of all the watery things I eat, fruit and veggies, then bloat and gas and all that fun stuff. Should I be eating more bland things? They just aren't appetizing, and kind of limited for a vegan. Did your metabolism boost right away or was there a period of gaining weight before it steadied out? And I can't wait until this redistributes, because having tiny arms and a big bloating belly just looks kind of silly. Haha. I'm glad there are people out there willing to help. Hopefully when I'm 40 I can look back on this and try to help people too. But for now I guess I just have to stick with it.
If you say it works, I will try to give it a try. Hopefully it doesn't end in a purge. :(
|
savanna3
New Member
|
Posted: 16 Jan 2009 06:51 pm |
|
I know, I was scared when they kept increasing my calories in treatment, I didn't trust my body, at all! But I did gain only 1-3lbs on 3,200 a day. I think that you are really brave to be trying this on your own.
Do you have a dr or therapist who can offer you real time support? It would probably be a good idea to get one, or a dietition since purging is also an issue. I'm not trying to be bossy.....it's just that I know how hard this is. It sucks. 
I am truly touched if I was able to be of any help to you. I, too, am waiting, impatiently for weight distribution. After my relapse last year I gained alot of my weight around the belly as well. Yuck.
You are very smart to try and conquer this now so that you aren't still going through it at my age. It seems to be harder the older I get and it's so much more likely to give us permanent medical issues as we age. I have several ed related health problems and now I wish I would have taken treatment more seriously when I was younger. (Not that I consider myself "old". My kids are teens and they say I'm a pretty "cool" mom.  ) Hang in there. I know it's hard, but try to trust that your body will do what it's supposed to do. This is also easier with a therapist or nutritionist to bounce ideas and fears off of. Take care and I hope you have a good night.
|
Kissies
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jan 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
|
Posted: 16 Jan 2009 09:55 pm |
|
Actually, you've helped a lot. You should feel really good about yourself. You're in inspiration. I tried a bunch of websites and asked online doctors and none of them care or even reply. I was just looking for some direction and you were the only one who replied. I'm trying to eat more, I've had around 900 calories today but I feel soooooooo huge now. I can't find any high calorie healthy food that I like. So I stuffed myself again with tons of veggies and fruit. I don't want to weigh myself so I don't know how much I'm gaining, it looks like a pound or two a DAY though. All around my middle. It's starting to get ridiculous and really scary and I'm wondering if it will ever stop. I found a nutritionist only a few minutes from my house that specializes in anorexia recovery with vegans and vegetarians. I thought I could do it without help but this weight gain is scary, so I'm thinking I should swallow my pride and give her a call. I don't have insurance so I will have to pay. But at least maybe she can fix me up. Do you think it's worth it?
|
savanna3
New Member
|
Posted: 17 Jan 2009 04:49 pm |
|
Oh yes...it would definately be worth it. YOU are worth it.
I wouldn't worry too much about the gaining. If you are eating tons of fruit and veggies, you will have loads of water weight. Plus, nutritional deficits can cause water weight and metabolism dysfunctions. That is why it's so important to have someone help you with this...especially since you are a vegan. It's SO important to make sure that you are getting enough nutrition, not just calories. Remember, your muscles, internal organs etc. have to "heal".
Please do not feel bad about getting help. Doing this "on your own" is not even advisable. Study after study has revealed that people who recover the weight on their own have a huge rate of relapse because the underlying problems were not addressed. It's hard to get better WITH help, it's almost impossible with out it. You are actually stronger for being able to ask for and accept help.
I don't know if "Something Fishy" was one of the sites that you tried, but I'm a member and they have tons of forums and you will get lots of feedback. Plus, the site has a ton of info on ed's, recovery, treatment finder etc.
I'm sending you tons of hugs. 
|
Kissies
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jan 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
|
Posted: 17 Jan 2009 06:15 pm |
|
I went to Something Fishy, I think that's the site where I found a link to local nutritionists. I've been to so many sites that I get them all confused. My mom said she went to that site when I was at my worst to try and get information. I felt ok this morning when I woke up, I had almost 1,000 calories yesterday so maybe that had something to do with it. I doubt the metabolism will kick up that fast though. I had about 400 calories today so far and I feel completely bloated and icky. You're right, this is really hard to do on your own.
You went to treatment, right? When did you decide to go? Was it during the worst phase of your condition? I like to think I'm semi-healed, because I am not a 60 pound skeleton anymore, I look pretty normal [with this ring of fat on my middle and all.] But then I try to eat and be a normal person, and I realize there is no such thing as "semi-healed." There's "I feel #%@&!" and there's "I'm better." And I haven't been able to say that I'm better yet.
I'm still kind of scared asking for help, and worried that it will just be a rip off, or she'll just look at me and be like "you're not skin and bones, there's nothing wrong with you." She's a professional, but I have heard stories like that. I read them on Something Fishy actually, in the "They said what?" catagory. :) It's kind of funny how insensitive people can be. But nontheless, I will call her after the holiday weekend, and maybe I can scrounge together money for a visit.
I'm hoping that she can help me fix these underlying problems so I don't have a relapse. I'm not too tempted to try anorexia again, as of now and hopefully ever. My mom said she would kick me out of the house if I do it again. Also.. I can not do this whole recovery again!! I've come too far and learned too much to make the same mistakes.
How old were you the first time you went through recovering? Have you had many relapses since? And what makes you relapse? How long have you been waiting for your weight distribution, and how long does it usually take? [I'm waiting impatiently for it. Haha.] Sorry if I'm prying, or asking too many questions. I just think I could learn a lot from you. Then once I get to where you are, I can help people who are stuck where I am now. We'll take over the world and rid everyone of their eating disorders. Haha, I wish it were possible. No one should have to go through this.
|
savanna3
New Member
|
Posted: 19 Jan 2009 04:58 pm |
|
Kissies, you have a great sense of humor. I think we would get along really well.
Thanks for all of the kind words. I wish I felt that I always lived up to them. Of course, it's always easier to give advise than it is to take it and apply it to myself. 
I don't mind if you ask questions. You can ask anything you want and I'll try to answer the best I can. I first had treatment about 20 yrs ago. At that time treatment was new and they really didn't know what to do except restore weight, or work on not using behaviors. Ed's weren't really understood then and treatment now is a lot better.
I stopped all behaviors after I got pregnant with my first son. I was 22 and had been through 3 IP programs. The fact that I had a human being growing inside of me gave me a new respect for my body. I didn't relapse at all until 2 yrs ago when I was 39. I had tons of marriage problems and health problems. I was put on steroids and gained 60lbs!!!! The combo of marriage and health problems was unbearable to me and so I chose to bring back the anorexia. What I didn't chose was for it to get so out of control that I ended up back in treatment.
yes, there are some bad therapists and N's out there, but I do think that it's possible to get help. Some of them do say incredibly stupid things, but these are people you wouldn't want to work with any way. You might as well find out they are a jerk in the beginning and not waste your time and money on them. You will know when you find someone who you "click" with and who sincerely wants to help you. Then it will be worth the time and money. Hang in there and please be careful. I didn't think that I could ever fully relapse and it happened anyway. I'm not saying this to scare you....just to encourage you to get help with this before it gets too powerful. I hope this helped, at least a little. Let me know how you're doing.
|
Kissies
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jan 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
|
Posted: 19 Jan 2009 05:37 pm |
|
Yes, what a tough thing to have to go through, especially twice. Sometimes I feel like I never want to do it again and I want it to just be able to look back and say "that part of me died when I was 19." And sometimes I feel like "this will never work." And I just want to go back to what I know, which is anorexia. Hey, why not, I'm a pro. I still don't think the relapse is worth it but I am really not liking the recovery. Maybe my feelings will change when I talk to this nutritionist, but I wrote her last night and called her today, and no response. I want an appointment.. like, tomorrow. I can't just sit here and feel gross every day. I don't want to leave the house or go to work, but I don't want to be home. It's weird, the feelings you get in the comfort of your home. Whenever I walk into the kitchen or sit downstairs even, something goes off in my brain that says "binge!!" I want to get out of here but there's no place to go and I don't want to go out and walk around with my big pretruding bloat belly and get mistaken for a pregnant woman. Haha. Not to mention being really uncomfortable. Speaking of pregnant, I think having a kid is probably a good way to get you to stop thinking about yourself and your food obsession, and realize there is more to the world. But I'm too young for kids of course, don't like kids, don't want kids, can't have kids. Well I'm assuming I can't, because I don't do those types of things, if you know what I mean ;) and because I haven't had a period in almost 2 years. [The only thing I enjoy about ed's. Haha.]
But yeah, this recovery process should really speed up. If I keep gaining I don't know what I'm going to do. Howcome people in treatment will only gain 1 or 2 pounds a week on so many calories and I am gaining daily on half what they eat. I guess I'll just wait on this nutritionist and if this doesn't end up working out, then I have no idea where the next step is from there. This sucks. :(
|
savanna3
New Member
|
Posted: 20 Jan 2009 05:27 pm |
|
I know it sucks and it's hard to be patient with our bodies. I have had the same thing happen to me about gaining on very little while at home and needing a huge amount of calories in treatment.
What I was told is that it's because when a person is on and following a meal plan, your body starts to trust that it will be fed regularly. When we restrict and then eat and then restrict etc. our bodies learn to NOT trust us and hang on to every calorie.
I have also been told that redistribution can take up to a year. But remember, ed's cause us to see ourselves "distorted". I don't doubt that you are bloated....that's normal, it's just that no one else really looks at us like we do and we are FAR more critical of ourselves than others would be.
Let me ask you this....if I told you that I was also so bloated that I look prenant (and I am hugely bloated today.) would you think less of me? would you tell me not to go for a walk because of the bloat? I'm sure that you wouldn't. Try to treat yourself gently. Going for a relaxing walk would probably help. I know the feeling of not having anywhere you "want" to be. It really does suck. A walk sounds like a good idea.
|
Kissies
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jan 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
|
Posted: 24 Jan 2009 03:02 am |
|
You're right. I should treat myself nice. That's what got me into this mess, disliking everything about my body. Sometimes I feel like I should accept it, it is what it is and what it is, in reality, is not as bad as I make it seem. But sometimes, after I eat, or if I'm in a social situation with other people to compare myself to, suddenly I am not good enough and I want to revert back to what I know. I used to be the skinniest, why can't I do it again? But my sensible side chimes in and says "..because you were 55 pounds and almost died?" I don't know, it feels like there is the me that wants to get better and the me that wants to go back and wants the attention and control.
I would never think lower of you if you had a bloaty belly, because I understand what you're going through. I'm afraid that no one else gets it though. I've been hiding under jackets hoping that no one can tell the difference. I've still got tiny arms and legs, if no one sees my middle no one will know. I'll hide until I'm better, hopefully before summer. Then I don't know what I'll do!
By the way, I went to the nutritionist! I have so little money, I don't know how many more times I will be able to go. But it was helpful. She gave me a food plan. It's so much. I can't eat it all. I am trying though, maybe I'll just try and add more every day. She's got me eating breads and tofu things, and all these scary things that fall outside of my "safe foods." I really hope I don't put on weight from it, but veggies alone aren't cutting it anymore. I felt a little better today, I had two of my four meals and I'm bloated a lot but not terribly. I went out tonight for the first time in months, only for an hour, hiding in my coat. But it was a start. I just went to some stupid restaurant where everyone ate except for me, and they all stared and asked why I don't eat. I didn't want to explain it. I don't eat because I'm scared! To death! I wish I had a reset button, I would go back to before this started and do it all differently.
|
savanna3
New Member
|
Posted: 25 Jan 2009 03:12 pm |
|
Kissies, I'm sending you a virtual hug. I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time, but great job on going to the nutritionist. I know it is a ton of food involved in re-feeding. I was lucky to go through it IP. I don't know how well I would have done OP.
In treatment, where I went, they started everyone at 2,000 and about 2 weeks later I was up to 3,200! I thought for sure that I wouldn't be able to eat it all, but I found that as my body was getting used to eating regularly, I would be hungry by the time the next meal or snack time came. I think it takes awhile for our bodies to get used to being fed regularly again.
I wish that there was something I could say that would make you feel better about going out and how you look. Of course, I've never seen you but I can almost guarantee that your visioin of yourself isn't accurate. I think that's a huge part of ed's. We just aren't objective judges about our bodies.
Do you have a friend or relative that you really trust? Maybe you could ask that person to tell you how they see your body. I know that when I am REALLY bloated, my husband will say "yeah, you're bloated, but no one would notice if you didn't point it out!" ugh....
Keep treating yourself and your body well. It will get better. xoxoxo
|
Kissies
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jan 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
|
Posted: 25 Jan 2009 07:04 pm |
|
Thank you for the kind words, and virtual hugs. :)
I wish my body could get used to eating. Even following the plan the nutritionist gave me is really hard. I have to eat breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner. I often go out of order which I think is ok as long as I get them all in. But the problem is I'm not getting them all in, I have 2 or 3 of them and can't finish. Today I woke up still bloated from yesterday but I was hungry so I ate my lunch [before my breakfast, but whatever.] It was about 500 calories. Now I'm hugely pregnantly bloated and feel sick.
I don't understand how in IP they go from nothing to 2,000 calories, and in no time up to 3,200. I went gradually from nothing to 1,000, and still feel terrible! What kinds of things did they feed you! Because I'm eating the things my nutritionist says to eat and it's not working. More breads, tofu, soy stuff, and way less veggies. Maybe I just haven't given it enough time. I can't wait any longer though, I hate feeling this way every day.
In a way I wish I had insurance so I could go to some type of IP treatment. I used to consider that as giving up, because I'm stubborn and think I can do it myself. But apparently not. IP seems so much easier. That way if something goes wrong with your body you can't blame it on yourself because they control every aspect of what you put inside of you. I think it helps with guilt. I'm always full of guilt and associate my stretched out bloated tummy with over eating. I feel like I'm over eating. Compulsively. And I'm going to get huge. I guess it takes a while though. Maybe when my bloat goes away my guilt will go with it.
Sometimes I ask my mom how I look when I feel disgusting. She usually just says "it's all water and gas!" But admits that I do look 9 months pregnant. I'm starting to think that it's not water and gas anymore, because water is supposed to get peed out and gas is supposed to go away. I can't constantly be full of it. "No way. It's got to be fat." I'm so paranoid.
I really do wish the best for both of us. You're such a help. It's good to have someone to talk to. :)
|
Current time is 03:27 am | |
|
|
|
