| Author | Post |
|---|
triquetal
New Member
| Joined: | 8 Dec 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
|
Posted: 10 Dec 2008 04:00 am |
|
I need to lose weight. I know I do. (That's truth, that's not disorder talking). But once I start getting in the realm of any sort of diet/exercise program, whatever I'm doing is no longer enough. Why have 1500cal when you can have 1200? Why 1200 when 900? Why 900, when 500? And so it goes.
I don't want to get to the point of being skeletal again. I got married when I was healthy. It isn't fair to my husband to do something where I could do more damage to my heart and further our chances of not being able to have a baby.
But, being overweight isn't healthy either. And part of me thinks I'd rather have the thin unhealthy than the overweight one...
Can anyone relate?
|
BJD74
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 10 Dec 2008 04:48 pm |
|
that is a good question. i ask myself that quite abit. i dont have a trouble with eating too little, i have the opposite of eating too much and being in denial inside, while on the outside i am verbally always complaining about my size. finally, i am getting somewhere in my struggle by watching the calories. in a week i am down 2 pds, which for me, is outstanding!
speaking as the overweight person who did have a baby while i was in the 200's i can say that i was greatful and my doctors were glad that i had some extra meat on my bones per se' as it allowed for a very healthy baby girl to grow. i was and still am active and i am now, as of today down to a proud 188! I topped at 255 the day i went in to labor. I have come a long way in a slow time, as she is now 3.5 years old. i have never been thin, so its hard to say i understand your side, because i want to be there. could i get addicted to eating less and less and never be content with the size i am at that time, could i envision weighing less than 150? heck no! but i like you watch all i eat, and there is soo much time spent obsessing over the sweets, the yummy things, heck even the good things sometimes are on my head alot. it never stops, but it is controlled.
you have willpower and a desire to be better, you may not have a lot to lose, so dont try really hard. i have seen enough shows to see the damages in starvation to the body, the looks the ability to have babies with your husband, those are not things you wish to toss out like the garbage, so dont toss yourself out either. You are worth it, and that potentially beautiful child is worth it too!!!
eat what is good for you and enjoy having a wonderful husband and plan for that family! there is nothing i would take back in my journey, and believe me, she wasnt a plan, she was a blessing. See, when i was 15 i was told i couldnt conceive.....imagine my surprise? so, i am here to say, go for the baby....it will change your world in a wonderful way. :)
|
triquetal
New Member
| Joined: | 8 Dec 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
|
Posted: 11 Dec 2008 02:35 am |
|
Thank you for replying. I really appreciate it.
Congratulations on both your weight loss and your child!
I've gone both ways. Eating disorder specialists say that people who hit the 10 year mark of being disordered are more likely to have gone through nearly all of the disorders - anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder. I have , myself, touched upon all of these. I will say that if my mind and body hadn't broken down and started seeking out food to binge on (and they were the true binges - 1000+ cal in under 30 min, feeling very frantic), then I probably wouldn't be here today.
A healthy balance is what needs to happen, but it becomes so difficult when you've got the angel and devil on your shoulder, and the angel is pulling for you to starve and the devil is pushing for you to give up both restriction and moderation.
Maybe it is time for me to break out the Canadian Food Charts again. (They have a good tracker so that you can actually check off your serving requirements as you meet them). It is pretty helpful for keeping the focus off of calories and being able to have a visual reminder..."wow, I could have more veggies today."
Thank you for the reminder of things which are so much more important than weight.
Link: http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/track-suivi/index-eng.php
|
BJD74
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 11 Dec 2008 12:23 pm |
|
i did something similar with a tracking option. i found a site that has the daily needs for 1200 and 1500 calories, and i now do a journal that has all the items and i check them off as i eat them, with a rough idea of calorie that it has, and then a total after each meal keeps me in check for the rest of the day. i may bore of doing it though, because i get to a comfortable, knowledge point and i stop tracking...hence i get into trouble again. when i get really upset, which seems to be very easy for me to do, i run to food. Anything i can get my hands on, usually a piece of bread, or i have done a box of pasta...boil and eat it with butter, make cake mix, eat it raw then throw the rest out when my awareness returns, i have also gone to mc'donalds and ordered a meal deal then stashed it and headed to taco bell to get another meal deal and then i promptly eat them between there and home, hiding all evidence except a full belly that i ate anything. i dont have a lot of things to stress me some would say, but my mental balance has got to be screwy otherwise i would be drifting without any problems at all. Especially since I am at home, I am with 3 puppies less than 2 years old, and my daughter who is 3.5. I used to be a realtor, but since i met my now hubby, it became a burden financially because if you dont have a deal you pay out anyway to the agency that holds your license and not to mention the fees to keep yourself current. Its about 3000 a year plus monthly expenses, so in april we decided that it wasnt something we needed me to do anymore. That saved us daycare and money...which is a big deal. I used to live at home with my mom and dad, raising my child with their help..i went to school for real estate and dad was home alot so he watched her alot of her 1st two years. I am paying for that now in learning how she didnt learn the basic things. Living wiht my parents was very hard for me, i am the baby and they are a tumultous pair. My mom tends to yell at all things, she is high stress also and well, you could say we have a disfunctional family..but who doesnt? i use these things as excuses as to why i have a problem handling stress, that causes me to hurt myself either mentally or emotionally or physically. Last year at this time I was at about 175. Granted, life changes also factor, moving, finding a romance when you had given up on love, and now really being a full time mom. I guess its alot, but i feel like a complainer. We had a big fight over the stupidest thing last nite and i am very quiet today and very upset with myself for my reaction. I think i too have some sort of a problem with affection. I didnt grow up around a lot of it, i was teased by brothers not loved and supported, hugs barely happened. I grew to love my dogs as people and sometimes they are my best friend...esp since the friends i thought i finally really had, disappeared when i left the realty world. He said i am more affectionate wiht the dogs than him among other things and i just went crazy. I left the room and everthing and the problem is, he is right. Dogs are my safe place when i feel alone, and just because i am married doesnt make me any less alone. My parents dont come over, i have no friends, except his friends that he has over and wants to make mine...but it is never the same. I have gotten to the point that my daughter doesnt really go to the parents house because when we bring her back all the hard work we put into teaching, talking, etc has gone out the door. She doesnt sleep much there, she goes and goes, forget naps in the afternoon, she has no regulations whatsoever and now i am learning that really my dad isnt listening to her, so she walks all over him. As a result, I am again unhappy that my parents dont try to keep up the work I do all day here at home with her and I dont want her there, but she misses them. She talks about missing them, so I thought i could get them here to visit and keep her in my presense and when they are here they do the things that we need to do to keep her on track. I know g-parents spoil, etc...but well? I think too, I want to please my hubby in what he wishes for her too. He has two daughters from a previous marriage, he raised them till they were almost 4. He knows what to do better than I and I know that. She listens to him. I am glad for that. I am not sure where this is going, or if i should even be saying any of it. I am just bothered. I wonder what i have left? I am focusing on making myself better, but for what? i have no life outside of here. Until she is in school I am here for her, but I cant seem to get to terms with that. I watch us balance his income, we are trying to refinance on this house to pay down the debts we incurred fixing it up this last year. The debts are on my name, and its his home. I cant seem to relax. I am not sure what to do at this time. I am not sure why i am writing this except to think that maybe voicing it to a virtual stranger will ease my head some and keep me out of the kitchen and from hurting myself further. I know i cant please everyone, but i want too. I want to be perfect, I try to be pretty all the time, I try to keep a nice clean welcoming house, I try to stay in good wiht the parents, and family members, I try to like his friends from work, one guy has a new girl each time he comes over, so how do you make friends with that? We are having his friend and yet another girl over this weekend, she is bringing one of her 3 kids to play with my daughter. Her kid is 2, and walks and talks...yet another thing to feel insignificant for....as when my daughter was two she wasnt talking, nor was she really getting around by herself.....another reason that living wiht mom and dad held her back and me back in getting her up to pace.
I am sorry for unloading this, but thanks very much. I want to cry, Last nite was upsetting to me. I am not affectionate and I am always stressing over everything that happens, big or small, i never had affection, and past boyfriends the affection became nothing to talk about and then all that was left was physical and i guess that lingers in my head. I am a mess. But over what? I cant find it. I have always felt this way and I cant fix it because i dont know where it truelly comes from. I love him, I am happy being married to him, it was fast and he has more experience being married than i and he knew what he wanted, but i feel like this child that never learned how to truelly love someone and display affection. I see it on tv and i am enthalled and insensed all at once. Like its gross but i want it too? We used to be very affectionate in the beginning, and i know that life changes us but so soon? What am i doing wrong? I have to go my daughter needs me now, again thank you for listening. I am sure i sound a bit nutty.
|
triquetal
New Member
| Joined: | 8 Dec 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
|
Posted: 11 Dec 2008 12:49 pm |
|
Wow. Everything you said struck a chord.
With the binging, yeah...if I was able to drive myself (can't due to illness)..I'd probably spend a huge part of our monthly budget on binge food. And there is so much shame tied up in that on so many levels.
I'm the baby too, and my parents were the same way before my mom passed, and it was really her I had the difficult relationship with. She tried her best, but she wasn't equipped with the tools to show love, or state problems calmly, etc..
Fights are hard, especially when it isn't the other person you are mad at, but yourself. The last fight my husband and I had, I acted really immaturely. I felt better and less awkward around him as soon as I told him that I recognized that what I said was immature and apologized for it. Forgive yourself. Use what he said as a challenge to learn to show affection. Your life cannot be made worse by it.
Losing friends is a hard, hard thing. You think they'll stick around, but once you aren't conveniently part of their life anymore, forget it. It does sound like you need somewhere to get some adult social interaction which is on your own terms. Is there some kind of Mommy and Me class in your area where you can go and meet other adults (also mothers who are dealing with the same feelings), and still be able to further social/developmental skills with your daughter?
As for your daughter: establishing routine at this stage of the game is way more important than making sure you get them together. If she misses them, get ALL of you together in a place where you are still the main authority for your daughter. I know it is hard to speak up to your parents, dysfunctional or not - we always go back to being the little girl. Eventually the day will come when you are more secure in her development, and her going over there for a few hours won't be so much of an issue.
Take care of yourself. Don't worry about unloading. It is way more healthy than sitting on the feelings and letting them lead to a binge. Use whatever outlets you have.
|
BJD74
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 11 Dec 2008 01:50 pm |
|
thank you so very much. i sat here after thinkin, wow, what the heck are you doing? and to know you related is a relief and a release for me. i did say i was sorry today, though he did it first last nite. the nite was spent in dreams of her "sperm doner" and what he never did for me, or how he just spent time with me cuz i was convenient and i took good care of him. i tried to be with him, knowing he never loved me enough to say lets get married. i still think of him because i worry he will want to see her, but odds are slim to none. hubby sais that will never happen cuz he will take him out first. lol......although i probably wouldnt stop him? that is a terrible thing to say because she wouldnt be here if i hadnt met him but he hurt me so much in so many ways. all my life i wanted to be loved and get married and be the woman i am now, only i cant find my place that fits good for me. now that i have it all as i dreamed why am i still searching? why cant i find that point that i say ok, this is it and it feels good? i constantly try to satisfy all others over me, unless its to beat myself up for not working out enough or eating bad things. i never seem to put me first.
as for mom and me groups, when we lived in abq that would have been easier. we live now, about 10 miles from los lunas. We are out in the foothills, where there are about 2500 people. Honestly, the kids here are not my choice of friends for her. Over the summer, the schools gave out free lunches at the community center and the kids that were there would shove her and push her out of the way and she is so tiny and friendly that i decided that i was gonna homeschool her to keep her from such selfish unkind bullies. I know that is radical, and I wont be doing that...they were older and bigger kids and i think i got upset cuz their moms were there and ignoring their behavior and i couldnt do anything about it. I am not strong enough to take on s gang of moms who could kick my butt to here and back again....we live in a "tough but poorer area and well, its kinda like the trash of los lunas is out here" dont get me wrong, we have a beautiful home on 2.75 ac and our neighbors are decent. He bought the house thru me, its a gem but its surrounded by #%@&! basically. This is an area that in tehe 60's was gonna be a recreational place with a man made lake...and well, its turned into a dry lake, and a lot of rundown double wide trailers and roaming packs of dogs. Its getting better since i was a kid, but there is a lot of "trash" out here. I sound like a snob now, but please be sure i am not. i am a middle class kid, with a lot of morals and standards. I love where we are, the open space, the indian reservations surround the area so growth will never be really big? The manzano mountains are a mile east of us, the weather is lovely and the sunsets are amazing. Its what i always wanted, but i just dont know if i want my kid to play with the caliber of kids out here. The elementary school is almost to town, its new and there are alot more kids there that i am sure will be better suited for her. Again, what a snob!!!!!
I am a polish irish italian white girl, what can i say? lol
anyway, i have looked into it and people have told me that i should do that, but for los lunas i havent found anything. that is not a surprise to me though, i have never found a place where i belonged or fit in. in 10th grade just when i thought maybe i would find good friends we moved to northern california, i went to school with kids there who grew up from childhood and didnt fit in. a year later we moved again and every friend i thought i made were younger than me, i didnt get into cliques with the kids in my class and that has carried all my life. i make friends at work, and when i leave or move on, they stay there. this last bout, with my two friends in real estate, really devastated me. We were so close and talked all the time, had lunch twice a week, went shopping for clothes, took day trips together, stuff i had always hoped for...and then, well, i met someone, i moved out of town and kinda got my own life and that was it. within 4 months i left, and they had disappeared too. I think about them alot, but D my hubby said they were friends of convenience.....and well, that is the story of my life. I have always been a friend of convenience.
I looked into a pre-k program, had her tested to see if she had any deficiencies and she is perfect so that slipped away. i have plans for her to get into the pre k initiative here, for 4yr olds to get ready for kindergarten. the schools are all in town and its a few hours a day that i get to have time for me. That is only a few months away, as her 4th bday is in june. At that time, perhaps i will get to explore who i am now. I used to paint, and I take a lot of pictures, so i have much to inspire me, but lack the supply anymore. My christmas wish list has paints, brushes etc. so that i can start again. D wants to make me an easel. I tell him to wait cuz i have no time to do it yet, and that crushed him because he wants me to be happy and painting makes me happy. He sees a talent that could maybe be sold on ebay?????? huh!?!?! what?!?!?! i dont know about that. My paintings have gone to family and friends, never sold. Not that I wouldnt but??? how do you????
i think about my baby growing up, she can be such a punk and a brat and then she is sweet and tender and loving and listens to me and i get scared to think i have to let her go. i chose not to do daycare for it just is not what i want for her and so i pay that price of my freedom. i get told i am lucky, but then i get told that i could be doing more. its a contradiction always. do i go be successful money maker that my friends hoped me to be in real estate or do i stay home, make no money but know who my child is and what makes her tick? all the time i invested her first two years, i am now trying to get back. I never knew i missed it, but i know i did. My two friends dont have children, nor do they want them, so though they encouraged they never had the tolerance for my reasons of not being able to go out. i had lost the freedom and was not fun anymore. i am good at being alone, i like not having to justify why i walk fastest when out taking a walk. i dont have to explain myself or what i say to my baby anymore, i like that freedom to be me, but sometimes, like when friends come over i just wish i didnt have to try to ask good questions, or be the perfect host and that they were just friends who neednt be impressed. Its like i am the innkeeper and i play hostess all the time. i make dinner, i clean it up, i make breakfast then clean it up, i set up the bathrooms and beds for company when they come down (as most will stay overnite, we are 40 miles from abq, where everyone lives.) We have a fun house, his friends love to come here, as its a safe happy place....so, why dont i have that same set of friends? does my independence spew out of my being and tell everyone i dont need friends???
hmmm, that is a thought...maybe i really dont want anyone around???
|
StarlightNight
New Member
| Joined: | 12 May 2011 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 5 |
|
Posted: 13 May 2011 04:48 pm |
|
| Yep. I'm a teen, and I can relate about losing five pounds for a goal and then wanting to lose five more...and more...and more. Hang in there.
|
Current time is 06:46 pm | |
|
|
|
