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sweet kisses
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 Dec 2008 08:00 pm |
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So to start things, I had been doing pretty good losing weight and making myself more healthy. The biggest reason for this, I think, was my journal here on  . Something about writing what I was eating for all the world to see was extremely helpful. And then my internet blocker started blocking me from my journal 19 days ago (yeah, I've been counting). I have a suspicion of why, but if I explain it, I'll prolly just be blocked from this topic, too.
 <= my blocker
Also, just for some background, like 2 1/2 years ago I developed a nasty habit of purging when I ate too much. It wasn't like all the time--every 8-10 days --but still enough. At the time I was stupid and didn't know what I was doing to myself. I'd just heard that throwing up when you ate too much kept you from gaining weight, tried it, and decided I liked it. After a couple months I learned how dangerous it was and stopped right away. Never did it again.
Until recently. After I couldn't get into my journal on here I started binging something horrible. 12 days ago I ate even more than usual and sat there in the floor hating myself for it. I didn't know what to do about that awful feeling in my stomach. And then, without even thinking about it, I got up, went to the bathroom and started purging. About half-way through I realized what I was doing and made myself stop. I still felt nasty though and decided to exercise the food off instead. Unfortunately my stomach was so queasy from just purging that when I started exercising I got really sick and wound up tossing the rest of the food back up anyway.
A similar event happened about a week ago, except that that time I didn't even care enough to make myself stop. At the time all I could think about was getting rid of that nasty food. I felt really bad about it afterwards though.
So guess this post is more of a (admittedly belated) confession than anything else. I was gonna keep it a secret, but somehow I don't think that's the best idea. Afterall, aren't eating disorders based on secrecy???  I'm not entirely sure why this whole purging has seemingly popped up out of nowhere though. I mean up until 12 days ago I never dreamed I'd ever find myself doing this again. I'm really hoping this is just an isolated incident. Really really hope so. I'd hate to lose my glorious hair over something so not worthwhile. Oh, and sorry for the rediculously long post, just needed to get this off my chest.
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StuckSara
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 Dec 2008 02:42 am |
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I'm sorry to hear about that sweet kisses  . I guess I'm just lucky that I've never been able to make myself when I try... even when I'm really sick and know it would be good just to get it over with.
I really hope you can stop this though. Maybe you can think about your hair falling out and teeth getting all nasty and rotted before you do it. Also, I've heard that even if you lose weight, your belly can get really swollen and stick out.
Anyway, I wish you the best luck and I hope you don't get blocked from this thread as well!!!
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sweet kisses
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 Dec 2008 03:57 am |
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I think the worst part of it is that when I used to do it when I was younger, it was never a compulsion thing. Each time was very thought through and controlled and stopping wasn't even a problem. I just said I wasn't gonna do that anymore and that was it. These past two times were very compulsive, which was kinda unnerving.
I'm just gonna say I'm not gonna do that anymore and pray to God for no more compulsive purging.
Lol, your right about thinking about my hair falling out being a really good deterrent. It worked these two times. I swore I saw bald spots coming in after both times. I just needed to think about that before hand instead of afterwards. 
I wonder if maybe I could start a new journal? I'm kinda hesitant to--for some reason I feel like I'd be "wasting a perfectly good journal". Haha, how rational is that?  But I don't have time to go to the library but like every two weeks and that doesn't seem to be enough. If I did I'd have to be extra careful what I wrote in there. Idk, its something I have to think about.
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sweet kisses
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 Dec 2008 05:02 am |
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Ok, I thought about it. If not being able to keep a current journal is causing me to overeat and overeating is causing to gain weight/ purge, then the smart thing to do is to keep a diary. In this case that means starting a new one.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 Dec 2008 11:33 am |
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i hope you are still out there SK, as there is a whole lot of world to see. I am not sure I can share that experience of purging, because the only time i get sick is taking vitamins without food or when i overdrink and that mixes in a bad way with my metformin and woah...look out world i am a sick baby! i am not one that could purge as i really dont enjoy throwing up. i just eat eat eat and then feel lousy, but never got to that point. I am too weak for it physically. I think too, with my addictive personality i may end up thinking i was good to go to eat further after purging and well, that would kill me eventually and i love to eat, but i dont want to die i just want to hurt myself sometimes. 
i too find that if i can keep my thoughts in a secret place that somehow i feel better, but i am still unable to deal with voicing my worries about myself...and that is because i get these looks like i am crazy and i am silly for feeling like i am fatter than anyone else out there. Its like i am not allowed to feel the way i do about myself you know? so, writing here allows me to vent without the feedback of those around me who think i simply have nothing better to do but complain. What they dont understand is that it is a sickness, an obsessive sickness that makes our minds sick. We are distorted to ourselves or else we wouldnt be here.
Good Luck and take heart, that you are not alone.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 Dec 2008 11:33 am |
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Good Luck and take heart, that you are not alone.
Last edited on 4 Dec 2008 11:33 am by BJD74
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sweet kisses
Senior Member
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Posted: 4 Dec 2008 02:40 pm |
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Thanks BJD75 for the support.
I guess its not so much that I enjoy throwing up, just that somewhere along the line I just got used to it. Like even when I've got the flu or something its just like "oh, it looks like I'm gonna be sick, oh well. Lol, guess I'd better get my buttocks to the bathroom."
I haven't purged again since those times. I'm pretty happy about that. Still hoping I don't do it again ever. And I'm really excited I have a journal again. Like it makes me feel more relaxed about eating and stuff. Haha, don't even know how to begin to explain that one...
I guess my problem is that I'm too secretive about things like food and my weight. I guess I grew up learning that weight and food was something that was personal and something you just didn't talk about. And that guys got really annoyed when girls mentioned how fat they was/felt. So I don't. The only place I ever even mention anything about food (short of how delicious cheesecake is, lol) is here. Like I haven't told anyone I'm trying to lose weight or anything and I don't like people knowing when I'm working out and stuff. I do tell mom when I want her to get something healthy for me to eat, but I usually use the excuse that I'm worried about insert food-related disiese here. Like high-cholesterol or osteoperosis. I think thats why I love this site so much, is all the pent up things I have inside that I can't talk about, I can talk about here and not feel like I'm being judged.
 
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 Dec 2008 07:40 pm |
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amen to that last comment sister! i feel like this is the only place where i can be truelly honest about my disorder and my obsession with food. Sure, I have family and I talk about it, but like i said one time in a comment after thanksgiving....i made one sound and my husbands sister was like ..."what is she worried about?" and in my head im saying, "uh hello? can you see me here? i am at 191." this is bad, this is a high number, this is almost as high as my high school weight...its 5 pounds less than the number on my first driving license? I am overweight? just cus i may wear it well, does not mean that i enjoy being this large. My hubby is 6'1 and he is very thin, naturally. He is graced with a thin gene that really doesnt allow him a lot of room to gain, his tummy just cant take it. Not that i look bad with him or i am subconsious when we are out....but when naked? my belly rolls, my bumpy butt, my thighs that just touch still....etc....that is when i am aware most. But i tell you the truth, none of the people around me, short of mom and dad tell me that i am overweight or should get into better shape. I feel larger than the world. I still feel shame when i go to eat fast food sometimes, esp when i am stresssing and overeating. I see the kids giving me the food at the window shaking their heads thinking to themselves how can she just eat so much? or whatever negative notions are running thru my head. I am a fast eater too. I will consume the same amount in half the time, i try but it is hard not to do it. I dont know where it came from, but i struggle with that as well. I dont know how to slow it down. You are always safe here to share your concerns and struggles and I will welcome the thoughts and share my thoughts as well. It is not easy for us, we will never be able to eat what we want without worry, and aftermath of what we did. Its sad, but its gonna keep us around longer than if we didnt! I wish I could eat like my hubby, but that is not how my genes are made up. I look at a yummy chocolate cake and gain 5 pds!!! He eats the WHOLE cake and the scale jumps an .8 of a pound! We are all different!
I am proud of you for not doing it again. I admit I have been that nonchelant about "horking or wolfing my cookies" esp when i have done the drinking without eating, on top of medication. I have accepted that will happen to me, and i get thru it...but I really dont like it. The only thing i know is it makes me feel better in my head and my tummy. I dont want to know that would be my result for doing such after eating a large amount of food, or possibly with my addictive tendencies, i could become addicted to that idea and get myself into that dangerous arena of overeating and purging. Too, with my challenge against losing weight, it probably wouldnt take the weight off!!!! ha ha ha lol....
One day at a time, that is all that we can do. Each day I am challenged, some days my mental game is better, but most days its a challenge. I find safety in knowing that you guys are out here cheering me on. In fact, I check my email alot now hoping to see a response on something i wrote! WHen i dont i get kinda sad, thinking that i sound too down or challenged and that noone wants to talk to me. I really hope that is not the case, because some days are lonely and angry for me. I am working thru it all the best I can. :)
Love you guys!      
Last edited on 6 Dec 2008 07:41 pm by BJD74
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sweet kisses
Senior Member
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Posted: 8 Dec 2008 02:06 am |
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You're certainly right that it's not easy for us. I doubt it ever will be. I get so jealous of my skinny friends because they make it look so effortless and here I have to try so hard just to be as chunky as I am.
And I'm like you in that I really hate it when I'm obviously self-concious in clothes or about eating something and they're all like, "Sweet Kisses (ok, so they don't say that..) you're plenty thin, don't even worry about it." And I'm like "ARE YOU KIDDING!? I'm overweight! Can't you see the fat rolls on my back? The way my stomach sticks way out? I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life and you're trying to tell me I'm skinny like you guys? Hahahahahahahha....RIGHT." I'm like that in my head of course because if I actually said that, God knows what would happen.
It's like I went to a sleepover last week and there was 4 of us and everyone else was wearing tank-tops and I'd packed a short-sleeve pj shirt. So they decided it'd be more fun if we were ALL wearing tank-tops so my friend MG let me borrow one of hers. It fit, but it was tighter and shorter than what I felt comfortable in, especially next to my friends. But they were just like "yay! now we're all in tank tops cuz we're amazing like that. lol." I love them to death, they're amazing but...Never ever be friends with cheerleaders if you're anything less than tiny. You'll automatically wind up the fat one.
I guess I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one working through it the best you can. We all are.
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nbella86
New Member
| Joined: | 22 Apr 2010 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 3 |
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Posted: 22 Apr 2010 02:06 pm |
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| I need help. I have been bulimic and a binge and purger for 8 1/2 years. I binge and purge anywhere from 3 to 6 times a day It has gotten to the point were I get chest pains and i feel like my insides are stretching.or making funny noises. I am 30,000 dollars in credit card debt from buying food and throwing it up. I have lost all hope for myself and never want to face problems. I know and can feel that somethign is going to happen. I have anxiety disorders, suffer from panic attacks, and tend to only think about when i will be alone next to eat as much as i possibly can. I have been able to eat small portions but then about 10 minutes later all i can think about is eating more more more..... I have panic attacks when i go out to eat with my family or boyfriend because i worry about where i will be able to throw up. Sometimes I try to eat small amount but when i start to digest it my stomach works the opposite way. and i have terrible heartburn, awful stretching feelings and cant stop thinking about it. I dont know if how i throw up has been better effective for me because i hear people say they have thrown up for 2 yours or 3 years and i am pushing 9!!!!!! My food doesnt even look like it has been digested at all when i throw up. i never taste bitter stomach acid or anything. But last week i have a weird feeling that something was going to happen and on monday i couldnt breath and got very dizzy and had this same stretching feeling in my stomach. I know i have to do something but feel like i have to get up because this is so hard...... i fail every time I try and it seems like unless you have this disease you have no idea how powerful this urge is. Please help
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