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Another Diet Forum > Individuals > My Diary - Post Your Diary On-line > Alex's New Life ... Number 43212 |
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AlexAtaLoss New Member 
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I call this new life number 43212 because that is probably how many times i have gone to bed at night and promised myself that tomorrow would be the first day of the rest of my life. a life in which i would eat healthy, a diet with an abundance of fresh fruit and veggies, whole grains, and lean proteins. A diet absent of fat and sugar oh and lets not forget the recommended 3 days a week af strength training and alternating 20 min sessions of cardio. if i could only put into practice what i knew in theory. if we could all do that right? anyways, regardless of what i know i should do i also know that i will fall back into the same cycle i alsways do. i will cut calories down to about a 1000 a day and do about 45 min of hard cardio on the treadmill or ellipticl plus biking a half hour to and from work. obviousely this is not a successful plan for long term maintanace but it feels rewarding in the present. than insert the binging. the compulsiveness of these binges have become intense in the past year. i always from the time i can remember have had a sweet tooth that no amount of sugar could satisfy. i dont know what it means for something to be "too rich" ... just not conceivable to me. and when i am in a cycle of binging there is no point of even speaking to me. my mind is totally focused on what item of food am i going to eat next. will it be a chocolate milkshake from mcdonalds, a muffin from second cup, or maybe a cinnamon bun from cinnabon, oh who am i kidding, i know if given the privacy i will eat all three plus more once i have room. than of course i will make my way to bed where i will lie in pain and come down from my sugar high. Nothing in the world around me will matter. not the reading i need to get done for class, not the laundry that needs to be done. even if i wanted to do these things i couldnt because im in too much pain to function. i have a head ache and i am keeled over when i stand becasue it feels my organs may come out my backside. Oh and yes, i have checked out the compulsive eaters forum. the saddest part of this whole sad story is no one knows this side of me. in fact, i have people fooled to think the opposite. luckily, i have identified my problem when i peaked at 142 lbs. last february and decided that i would try and loose weight gradually and keep it off for the first time in my life. 8 months later i have been successful at maintaining my weight at around 125 lbs (128 now probably because i binged the last 2 days). i know it doesnt seem like i have a bad case of compulsive eating or even struggle with my weight. oh yeah, im 5'5. technically im in a healthy weight zone and for the most part i look pretty lean but i can begin to explain the shame i feel over these binges. and they are so embarassing when i think of what people would think if they knew. like im upstairs slamming back peanut butter sandwiches by the fist fulls while my boyfriends in teh shower while praying he doesnt notice half a loaf of bread and half a jar of peanut butter missing. i know i have nothing to worry about becasue he would never guess in a million years it would be me. "Alex eats so healthy, and LOVES the gym". right now i know it sounds like nothing to severe but i know my patterns and know that the binge i am on will lead to a two week binge which will lead to a yo yo of dieting until i reach 140 again, become depressed and start the whole process over again. i am hoping my journey will be made a whole lot easier by eliminating the secrecy element of this disorder by talking to you guys and knowing i have motivation. i understand this is scattered and hard to follow and leaves a lot unanswered but i am simply writing to get my thoughts out. im more that willing to clarify anything and am more to open to hearing any words of wisdom. until next time ... |
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joyfulme New Member
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I don't have any words of wisdom. I just want you to know I could be your twin sister. the things you wrote could have been written by me. Good luck |
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Nir Senior Administrator 
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I find the numbers particularly easy to relate to because I'm also 5'5". Although my top weight was 165lb, my eating patterns (which originally got me to overweight) only became obvious once I was normal weight. During a period of repeated binge-eating every day for several weeks, around October 2006, I gained from 124lb to 130lb. I found Overeaters Anonymous and have been able to abstain from binge-eating, every day for the last 19 months. Without binge eating I have become leaner still (the graph includes the 6lb weight gain from my last multi-week binge period): |
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AlexAtaLoss New Member
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SO heres to day one of the new life. I feel strong and able to conquer this thing. Problem is i havent been to the ktchen. even then i should be fine to begin my day but like you those who struggle with binge eating as well you know that one can strike at any point for any reason. and believe me i do everything in my power to pin point what emotions bring on these binges but usually find it impossible to figure out. it is so frustrating as well becasue i always considered myself self-aware. ok, being positive, so i think i have a good plan to be held accountable to. one thing that makes my life a little tricky when focusing on eating healthy is that i work on-call with no fixed schedule, meaning i work a lot of over nights. this being said i have no idea how to calculate what my calorie intake should be on days where say i am up for 20 hours straight. it doesnt help either to know that people who work overnight are 60 percent more likely to be obese and sleep deprivation makes loosing weight so much mire difficult. im working on finding another job but for now i am dealing with it. so for breaksfast i think im going to have a two eggs and 2 peieces low cal multi-grain bread (dry), approx. 300 cal. Lunch will be a chicken, rice, asparagus, approx 300 cals. worth. Random meal 3 hours later of pasta, pork, broccoli, 300 cals worth Supper carrots, hummus, yogurt, green beans, small serving of chicken. approx 300 cals. ok, now i am accountable. i would love to tell you how much i weigh right now but im living in denial as i know the numbers will be frightening becasue i came off a two day binge. i am aware that the numbers will drop but right now im not ready to see them. maybe by my next post i will get on that dreadful thing. |
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