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crazeeenycchick
New Member
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Posted: 25 May 2008 02:25 pm |
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Hi, my name is Candice, I live in NYC, I'm currently 5'5 and 123 lbs. I've been dieting on and off in my life starting from 13 on Thanksgiving when my grandmother looked at me (I was getting a little thick from an inactive lifestyle) that I 'shouldn't gain any more'. I went on a ridiculous pre-teen diet (I would eat one cookie and a cup of soda a day).
I have a twin. My twin sister and I did this together...Fortunately, when I went to high school I got better with food, and she didn't. Soon she wouldn't eat any solid food and only drank nutrition shakes. But by senior year of high school, we both had healthy attitudes about food.
First semester freshman year I got very very bad. I was depressed because of the heavy course load (pre-med at an Ivy) and I got sick frequently which helped me excuse why I kept losing weight. I got down to about 112-113 lbs at my current height of 5'5.
Second semester was looking a lot better for me. I had more friends and the course load got much easier. From second semester freshman year to first semester junior year I gained 30 lbs. We had a buffet style dining hall and I would often drink three 16 oz cups of regular cola with my meal.
This past year I couldn't take my weight anymore. I lost ~10 pounds over a long period which I consider healthy but in the past month I've lost 11-12 pounds.
The sad thing is that in this month of rapid weight loss I became a vegetarian. Guess why? Just to lose weight.
I am afraid of eating. Deathly afraid of it. And after I eat I have to brush my teeth three times to get the taste of the food out of my mouth. I am addicted to hunger all over again.
But the thing is, I don't want to lose any more weight. I thought I wanted to hit 120 but I know I'm just saying that to myself to justify continuing to barely eat. I am just so afraid of gaining it's difficult for me to fathom eating a normal meal.
I am also an alcoholic. I drink every day, perhaps 5-7 drinks a night. I drink a vodka pint straight or with diet coke or sugar-free red bull. I know I consume waaaay more calories in alcohol than I do in food, every single day. But my obsession is with food.
I eat no more than 400 calories in food daily. I keep eating less and less and I don't know how to make myself stop. I walk extremely long distances fueled by alcohol if I eat anything I consider 'substantial'.
I got brought into the emergency room because I fainted in Times Sq after drinking heavily and consuming no food all day (on one of my walks) and they scheduled me an appointment with a psychologist but I didn't keep it. Out of fear. And shame about being perceived as self-indulgent and narcissistic, that's why I suffer in this #%@&! alone unable to tell my closest friends.
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MidgeH
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 25 May 2008 03:18 pm |
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Hi crazeeenycchick. I'm glad you stopped by the site. I'm very concerned about you though!
I think the best advice I can give you is to tell someone! Your twin, a roommate, a friend. The people who care for you will help you see what you are doing to yourself much more clearly and, maybe more importantly, help you find the help you need.
Are you still in school? Most universities have some sort of confidential, emotional care team on campus. They may be able to help.
You will find a lot of people on this site who understand being addicted to hunger. I am one of them. I translate that feeling of hunger into validation that I am doing the right thing, that I am punishing my body for not being perfect in my eyes and I think that's a good thing. But it's not! I am only making things worse, making sure I never succeed at being healthy. For me the reation is to overeat, but I can certainly empathize with the reaction to just not eat at all.
Please talk to someone. You are a person worthy of being healthy - both mind and body. Don't be afraid to accept some help. We all need some at some point.
Good luck. And be kind to yourself.
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crazeeenycchick
New Member
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Posted: 25 May 2008 04:33 pm |
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Thanks Midge.
A big reason I don't want to tell other people because I afraid they may think I'm narcissistic and vain. My mother knows even though I haven't told her and she encourages me to eat in an invasive manner which makes me upset.
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MidgeH
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 25 May 2008 04:44 pm |
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Sounds like you need to speak to an outsider, a professional. But don't give up on your family.
Your mom probably just doesn't know what to do. I imagine she's very concerned about you. The courage to talk to her is in you - getting started is the hardest step. You can do it - imagine how much better you'll feel not having to keep the secret anymore.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 Jun 2008 03:03 pm |
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There are so many things in your post that I am famialer with. I, like you, am a heavy drinker. I think I use it as a tool to do my exercise and to avoid food. But, to be honest it does show on the scale when I weigh myself. I lose much easier, when I am not drinking so much.
I am however not addicted to hunger. Hunger pains don't bother me anymore, but still am not addicted to them. I am addicted to eating, and I avoid it at all cost cause once I start, I can't stop.
I don't really have any good advise for you. Except, you need to change your eating habits. Make a lifestlye change for the better. I think posting on here you are taking your first steps. Look up some of the calculators that may spark your interest and maybe get you movitated to be in better health. Also, research, reading anything that might help you.
I would try to find a buddy, to do this with, so your not alone. I think the longer you keep it to yourself, the longer you will keep doing it.
I am currently trying to quit drinking and smoking. So far, I am not doing so well. But, I will keep trying untill I get to my goal. Which is to be healthy.
Best of luck to you, I hope you find what you need.
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nicole31707
New Member
| Joined: | 20 Jun 2008 |
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| Posts: | 3 |
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Posted: 20 Jun 2008 06:40 pm |
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crazeeenycchick,
i can totally feel for you.... but i think you should talk to someone about it. I'm sure your twin sister can relate to what you are going through. I have had bad experience with telling a friend about my eating disorders. And that was not too long ago. In the beginning, she told that I should get some help and was supportive about it, but about a week after, she told me that she cannot be a good friend to me knowing that i have this eating disorder. She also said, "Don't worry. You will understand where I'm coming from when you get older." WTF?? I'm 28 years old, and I feel pretty mature enough to digest any explanation! So I never told another friend about my eating disorders.
You definitely need to talk to someone though. I think you should start with your family. Your family will be there for you no matter what. They won't say, "oh, you have eating disorder? I don't think I can be a good mom/dad/sister for you now that I know you have this...." So please talk to someone. It's hard enough having eating disorder.... You shouldn't go through this by yourself.
Take care,
nicole
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crazeeenycchick
New Member
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Posted: 12 Jul 2008 11:02 am |
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Since posting this I've lost 10 more pounds.
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Current time is 03:34 am | |
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