Man, where to start? I look down at my body and I'm repulsed. Even to this day, even after all I've been through. It's so strange; self esteem. It's fiercely important yet perpetually overlooked. I don't understand how anyone can embark on a weight loss journey, or a new diet, or a new fitness regime- anything!- without first addressing esteem. Esteem is attitude. It encapsulates everything to do with losing weight. If you don't have a good self-esteem, or a good attitude, nothing will happen. You will continually abandon diets and regimes because you don't trust yourself, or your body. It doesn't matter whether you're 200 kg or 50: esteem is everything. I am supposedly in the healthy weight range, with a height of 168cm (5.6ish?). I should have the best esteem in the world. But that's not how it works. Esteem comes first. That point is crucial.
I know it's difficult to establish a good relationship with your body if you're not at your desired weight, especially if you're grossly overweight. It's difficult to not be unhappy with yourself. But, trust me, the cyclical demon that is an eating disorder flourishes if its owner has poor self-esteem. That's what this #%@&! feeds on: unhappiness. An unhealthy attitude right from the start? You're doomed. I used to think that all I needed to do was lose a little bit of weight, prove to myself that I could do it, and the esteem and happiness would follow. But it's not the case. Either you lose the weight, somehow, through some brute force or strength, and you enter a pattern of weight loss and gain that leaves you withered and weak; or you never lose the weight in the first place, and you waste months- years, even- questioning your own abilities. Food is not everything. Food, satiety, hunger, cravings- these are all natural, biological processes. They are enzymes, they are nourishment, they are nutrition, they are excretion. They are not esteem. They are part of living and breathing. They are the water to a tree, the sun to a flower, the gas to an engine. They are simply necessary things we must do in order to function; to be alive. It's odd, but thinking of eating in the same way you think of pooing- a biological necessity, a function of the body, a vestige of your daily ritual- helps take the burden off what you put in your mouth; and instead places it in its rightful location: your esteem.
I don't profess to have all the answers. If I were living proof of this working, perhaps things would be different. But I'm not, I'm just a confused, awkward, pondering teenager that has, interestingly enough, suffered from this for 11 years. At more than half my life, that feels like eternity. I won't go in to my history (let it be said, however, that anorexia, bulimia and OED are no strangers to my vocabulary), I'll just remark on my learned findings (excuse the narcissism)...
Before you begin any journey, you need to be comfortable with the road ahead. You need to establish a healthy relationship with your own mind. You need to be able to begin every day feeling motivated and strong. Perhaps not physically, but mentally. You need to feel, and I cannot stress this enough, at peace with your body. You need to be one with it; feel whole with it. The fat layering your calves and stomach and thighs are not your body- your body is underneath all that, should you so desire. Your body is your muscles, your veins, your bones, your heartbeat. Your body is an extension of your interior and should be treated in the same way that your mind is. Fat melts off with exercise and proper diet. Simple as that. Your body will always be there. Think of it as hidden. Touch your thighs and feel your body, rattling away under everything you don't like about the way you look. It's there.
If you think of it biologically, existentially, even, I find it helps. The same way that you treat yourself to an hour of television after work or a new facial scrub is the same way you indulge in a craving. If you watched 4 hours of television, you'd get nothing done, and if you bought ten of the same facial scrubs, you'd be stripped of cash. Similarly, if you ate two dozen chocolate bars, you'd have even more trouble losing weight. But you still need to indulge, or else what's the point? Your body is just an extension of your mind; it needs attention and love and nourishment and reward, too.
I apologise for the essay. This is my first post.
If you get anything from this, please let it be that attitude and self-esteem are everything. Love your body (even if you feel it's hidden at the moment), treat yourself occasionally, think of eating as functional and banal as pooing, and, for the love of God, accept that your body is simply an extension of your mind! Lovely, complicated, complex, intriguing, forever surprising and incredibly, INCREDIBLY, strong.
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