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Aeon
New Member
| Joined: | 27 Aug 2012 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 1 |
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Posted: 27 Aug 2012 03:15 pm |
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Dear JSABD,
I just discovered this forum last night and I enjoy your refreshingly honest insights.
I would very much love to hear your perspective on my situation.
I am 5'8" and for the majority of my adult life have been a weight of about 125-127, with fluctuations up and down by about 7 pounds in either direction due to normal causal factors. (By normal causal factors, I mean - my weight will go down when occasionally skipping meals due to focusing on other tasks, and it will go up when I do more hardcore workout routines which increase appetite and build both muscle and fat).
I am married, and a couple years back my husband cheated. I did not do anything to warrant this. I have never cheated on him, I don't flirt with other men, I kept thin, in shape and attractive, I wear as nice clothing as I can afford, and makeup, I have regular sex with him, never deny him sex, compliment him often, thank him when he gives girts, and so forth. I believe the cheating, which was a one-time incident, was due to his own self-esteem issues and weaknesses. Although he did apologize, the apology was accompanied by loads of justifications, and loads of "reasons" why he was not really responsible and not to blame. When confronted about this, he just provided more and more "reasons" as opposed to owning up to the confrontation.
Over the past couple of years I have slowly and steadily gained about 10 lbs and am up to 139. Not overweight, but still, not as attractive. I haven't done anything drastic... for example, I never eat processed food, junk, or #%@&!, and I haven't stopped having a healthy exercise routine, which I've always had. It is more like a slow suicide. I will find myself snacking on a couple handfuls of almonds late at night that I don't need - that kind of thing.
I've come to realize over time that the underlying subconscious thoughts behind the behavior that has led me to gain weight is as follows (and directed towards my husband)... "#%@&! you, you don't deserve an attractive wife." And it originates in a feeling that although my husband apologized for his actions and did not cheat again, he never really took full responsibility for it. He never admitted that it was a moral failing that was fully his own doing and based on his own weaknesses, that I didn't deserve.
I don't want to slowly become fat to "protect" myself from my husband's crime which I am not responsible for! I want my old body and self-confidence back!
I don't need nutritional advice at all, I am fully aware of how to eat and exercise to lose weight...
And I don't need to be told that my actions are an epic moral failure, and that I am behaving like a crazy bitter person (I fully admit this!)...
What I would like is your take on how I can shift my thinking, attitude, and also behavior, so that I can become a better person and transcend this dynamic.
Thank you so much for considering my post and I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Last edited on 27 Aug 2012 03:16 pm by Aeon
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Nir
Senior Administrator
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Posted: 29 Aug 2012 06:54 am |
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(well he hasn't showed up yet, but...)
If I correctly understood your situation, you are still now "stuck" on being wronged by your husband, that it is still occupying your thoughts and you are unable to let this resentment go.
I find it difficult to untangle whether you are eating to make yourself feel good (or not to feel) or whether you are eating in order to hurt your husband.
If the latter, it is not rational. It would be more rational to break a marriage that is no longer working for you.
A member of a 12-step fellowship like overeaters anonymous might be encouraged to identify a recurring thought as a 'resentment' and to hope that it is lifted from their mind, but they might deal with negative situations by setting boundaries and making life changes. I encourage you to investigate whether their approach can fit you.
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JSABD
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 Aug 2012 09:23 pm |
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Aeon wrote: Dear JSABD,
I just discovered this forum last night and I enjoy your refreshingly honest insights.
I would very much love to hear your perspective on my situation.
I am 5'8" and for the majority of my adult life have been a weight of about 125-127, with fluctuations up and down by about 7 pounds in either direction due to normal causal factors. (By normal causal factors, I mean - my weight will go down when occasionally skipping meals due to focusing on other tasks, and it will go up when I do more hardcore workout routines which increase appetite and build both muscle and fat).
I am married, and a couple years back my husband cheated. I did not do anything to warrant this. I have never cheated on him, I don't flirt with other men, I kept thin, in shape and attractive, I wear as nice clothing as I can afford, and makeup, I have regular sex with him, never deny him sex, compliment him often, thank him when he gives girts, and so forth. I believe the cheating, which was a one-time incident, was due to his own self-esteem issues and weaknesses. Although he did apologize, the apology was accompanied by loads of justifications, and loads of "reasons" why he was not really responsible and not to blame. When confronted about this, he just provided more and more "reasons" as opposed to owning up to the confrontation.
Over the past couple of years I have slowly and steadily gained about 10 lbs and am up to 139. Not overweight, but still, not as attractive. I haven't done anything drastic... for example, I never eat processed food, junk, or #%@&!, and I haven't stopped having a healthy exercise routine, which I've always had. It is more like a slow suicide. I will find myself snacking on a couple handfuls of almonds late at night that I don't need - that kind of thing.
I've come to realize over time that the underlying subconscious thoughts behind the behavior that has led me to gain weight is as follows (and directed towards my husband)... "#%@&! you, you don't deserve an attractive wife." And it originates in a feeling that although my husband apologized for his actions and did not cheat again, he never really took full responsibility for it. He never admitted that it was a moral failing that was fully his own doing and based on his own weaknesses, that I didn't deserve.
I don't want to slowly become fat to "protect" myself from my husband's crime which I am not responsible for! I want my old body and self-confidence back!
I don't need nutritional advice at all, I am fully aware of how to eat and exercise to lose weight...
And I don't need to be told that my actions are an epic moral failure, and that I am behaving like a crazy bitter person (I fully admit this!)...
What I would like is your take on how I can shift my thinking, attitude, and also behavior, so that I can become a better person and transcend this dynamic.
Thank you so much for considering my post and I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Your extra eating could be a reaction to your husband's misbehavior. There are be other factors that are causing you to over eat. If you are on certain meds that too could cause an increase in appetite.
If you are punishing your husband by hurting yourself that's irrational and it will not help the situation. Maybe you are self medicating with the food and your theory that its a way to punish hubby is just some Dr Phil stuff.
You were betrayed and you are hurt. Food feels good. It may be that simple. Then again your theory may be correct.
Are you certain that is was a one time thing. I can only speak for myself and my male friend and say that if most men were married to a slender woman who likes sex they would not stray. Some men are wired to cheat. You may want to let him know how you feel and how hurt you are. When Bill Clinton cheated Hillary beat the #%@&! out of him.
I suspect that you are repressing and segregating your emotions and food is your way of coping. Some people turn to drink.
My motto is truth before harmony. You may want to find a marriage counselor and maybe a private investigator.
You had your trust betrayed. Eating will not fix that. You need to face the hurt and not salve it.
Most of what is going on is not your responsibility. It's his responsibility to fix things and regain your trust. You would be wise to not let what happened have such power over you but remember, you are grieving the loss of trust and the fact is, you didn't cause it.
Keep in mind that his is a weight loss forum and while Nir and I are skilled at that we are not marriage counselors so take what we say with however many grains of salt as you want.
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