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Leepa New Member 
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I am new to this forum...just signed up. Just a word of warning, this is going to be a long read, but the only way I can get my dilemma described. ...Anyway, I need to lose about 40-50 pounds but I have a real problem that stands in the way. My 19 year old daughter is anorexic and I've been told that I CANNOT diet with her around. She lives with my husband and her 12 year old brother....she's currently in college. It's just 2 miles from our house, so she lives with us and is totally dependent on us for everything (food, clothing, money, etc.). She has been in 3 different treatment centers for anorexia (which she has had since she was about 13-14). Since that time, I have continued to put on weight. At first, it was just a lot of eating or eating some higher calorie foods (trying to set a good example for my daughter) or just having higher calorie foods in the house available for her to eat, however, she refuses to eat such things in spite of her treatments....and instead of her eating it, my husband and I eat it because it is there, mainly. So as you can imagine, I've done nothing but get bigger and bigger and bigger of the last several years (I was always slim before this). Anyway, I have tried to diet/lose weight but in doing so it causes great problems with my daughter that seems to think she has to diet too, or cannot eat higher calorie food since I'M not (which is ridiculous, but that's the eating disordered mind she has). On top of this, my husband has not been supportive of my efforts to take care of my own health, as if only her health is important. He doesn't seem to realize that an overweight person has health problems too, not just an underweight person. And on top of that, the last treatment center she went to has strongly advised that no one in our household diet or try to lose weight in any way (as long as she is around us). This is such a crazy situation, as I cannot continue on this path I'm on or I will become diabetic and/or have other such overweight health issues. I never really had a weight problem until all this with her anorexia began, when I was in my late 30's...and of course, since hitting my 40's (I'm 44 now) the weight has not only been piling on quickly, but it seems I can't lose more than a couple of pounds even if I do try cutting back and eating healthier options (I stall after about 4 pounds). I love to exercise, but again, this is an issue with my daughter and I cannot (and been advised against) exercise for weight loss with her around. So I try to get to the park without her and do 30-40 minutes of walking (with some running mixed in because I love running!)...this is do-able but still hard to sometimes slip away to exercise without her knowing. It is our meals at home that are the biggest problem since everyone at the table with our daughter is supposed to eat everything that is being served (which is not always weight loss friendly because she needs to gain weight). So I always feel like I'm being forced to eat foods that not only keep me fat, but cause me to continue to gain. I've gone up 4 pants sizes and if something doesn't happen soon to help me lose weight, I'm about to go up another size, as the ones I'm wearing now are getting tight. So HELP!!!!!! Does anyone have any advice or tips for me? What can I do to lose weight with an anorexic in the house? Something has GOT to happen soon, as my body is going downhill fast (as in gaining so much, my health is getting bad). I can try to diet in secret... it is difficult, but I've done it a little bit. It leaves me with no support though since I cannot diet in the open as most dieters do. I'm having trouble though with finding something that works lately, as even my past diet that worked wonders does not seem to be working this time. Bread, cereals, and pasta are the main things that make me gain, so I know I need low-carb. Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks! (sorry this was so long) |
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Professor Tom New Member 
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Leepa, The solution seems clear to me. Start preparing nutritious meals! There is no need to keep high caloric foods in the house, you said yourself that your daughter won't eat them anyway. I'm not a doctor, but it seems that the way to combat anorexia is not to try to surround the person with high calorie foods, but to have plenty of healthy meals and snacks available. Eating large quantities of food in front of your daughter is not going to make her want to do the same. It might actually make her want to eat less. I suggest you prepare healthy meals and take moderate portions. Professor Tom Laurie author of The Losing Attitude for Dieters |
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Leepa New Member
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Thank you Tom. Excellent suggestion. I actually think I prepare nutritious meals. When I say "higher calorie foods", I'm not saying that I'm serving McDonald's-type fare and rich desserts (we usually have sugar-free popsicles, jello or watermelon for desserts). I usually serve things like healthy spaghetti with wheat pasta and turkey...we have a lot of grilled chicken....fish occasionally....veggies on the table, and there is a lot of fruit in the house. So when I say "higher calorie foods", I'm talking about the fact that the nutritious meals are higher calorie for my daughter (as she normally wouldn't eat a healthy amount of calories -- it is still a nutritious and good calorie amount for the rest of us, I just don't see it as being low calorie for ME, as I do not lose a pound while eating the same nutritious meals). These are meals meant to prevent weight loss (and hopefully some weight gain for her since they're more calories than she would consume on her own). So these are nutritious meals (as suggested by our daughter's dietician), but they aren't meant to cause weight loss -- so I don't lose any weight (my problem!!!). How can I eat meals that promote weight loss that don't cause her to notice such or compare what she's eating to what I'm eating? Even if I eat the same foods, but less of it, she notices and compares it to her situation (she doesn't want to eat more than anyone else at the table...tries to eat very little). How do I lose the weight I need to lose when I'm expected to eat the same meals my daughter eats that do not promote weight loss? Also my metabolism is awful. |
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Nir Senior Administrator 
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When I want to lose weight (for example late last year), I eat vegetables, beans and fruit with some meat and fish, and some - but hardly any - grains. When I want to gain weight (the last few months), I eat vegetables, beans and fruit with some meat and fish, and a lot of grains. The key thing here is that the healthy elements of my diet - the vegetables, beans and fruit with some meat and fish - they do not change. They stay the same. It is just a question of whether they are supplement by a (large, in my case) quantity of grains or not. I think of them as a supplement - something that could be added or removed depending on my goals. So, right now, when you are eating an inappropriately large amount of calories and gaining weight, how is your daughter eating - is she eating the right number of calories? is her weight increasing? is her weight healthy enough? You need to reduce your calories (and as you identified in your first post it probably makes sense to reduce calories coming from grains, oils and sugar rather than from healthier foods). If your daughter is in recovery she should realise that she should be gaining or maintaining regardless of what you need to be doing. Where is she in her recovery? |
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Professor Tom New Member
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Leepa, Losing weight is easy; just eat less calories than you burn every day. Dieting is the hardest thing you can do as you have documented. I believe that in your situation, if you can't stay away from the carbohydrates (I have the same trouble), then you need to burn off more calories. A disciplined exercise program will not only help you lose weight, but will help you increase your metabolism. Professor Tom Laurie author of The Losing Attitude for Dieters |
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Leepa New Member
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Nir, your suggestion makes a lot of sense to me -- to eliminate something that would cause me to lose weight... grains are definitely where I can do that! Just that my daughter would notice and therefore make excuses that she doesn't have to eat grains either. But that is something we continue to work on...to teach her that everybody is different and we don't all have the same needs. She needs to gain weight...I need to lose. She doesn't see it that way though. The anorexia distorts her thinking so much, that she doesn't see herself as super skinny, but she does realize that I need to lose weight...she just thinks she needs to also. Cannot get it through to her that she needs to gain some and then maintain that to be healthy. It is difficult to understand how she can think she needs to lose weight when she wears an adult womens size double zero long jeans (she's tall) that are big on her...and yet I'm busting out of a size 14 (yeah that's double zero, not just size zero) The numbers don't lie. Maybe she can't see it by looking at herself and my body, but pants sizes can clearly show the huge difference. I can understand her a bit, as I had a brush with anorexia myself when I was her age...but I never got as bad she has and I got it over pretty quickly once I made up my mind to recover and with a doctor's help. She is much worse and I don't think she is really ready to put this behind her...she can say all the right things, but her actions don't match. You asked about her calorie needs and how her weight loss/maintenance/gain is going..... well since she returned from her last treatment center almost 2 months ago, she has been steadily losing weight, but it's not a fast weight loss and she does have her good days and bad days. If she drops too low, of course, she goes right back into residential treatment, which she doesn't want to go back to, but if that's what it comes to, she has to. I will try your suggestion of eliminating grains. I think if I eat most of the other foods presented at our meals, that she may not notice that I'm not eating the grains. It shouldn't be a big deal, but in her mind, it is and it's those little things that trigger a big setback for her so I have to tread carefully. |
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Leepa New Member
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Tom....I would really hope that your words "losing weight is easy" can become a reality for me. Losing weight USED to be very easy for me, but for some reason since hitting my 40's, it has become the biggest struggle. I'm sure I will find what works for me sooner or later. For now though...the old "eat less calories than you burn everyday" doesn't work. Believe me, I can eat next to nothing and not lose a pound...and I know I'm burning a lot of calories because I have a very physically demanding job. Once, I was in the hospital for 3 days and couldn't eat (violent vomiting) and once I did get home, I weighed myself only to discover that I GAINED weight....now just how does that happen?????? But I like your suggestion of a disciplined exercise program... that is probably one of my downfalls at the moment because I can't stick with exercising long term (things just come up out of the blue that conflicts with my exercise time...I should take it more seriously and make sure that I get that time in, no matter what comes up...or get back into it the next day or two instead of letting it keep slipping by...I'm bad about that). As you say, that would help my metabolism. It's a bit of a challenge right now because I can't afford a gym membership, can't afford a treadmill for home, and we've been experiencing 100 - 105 degree temperatures this week and they're expected to continue. I'm not a morning person, so getting up early is not my cup of tea....but maybe I can get in a 30-40 minute walk/jog in the late evenings. I will have to be more serious about it, just been disappointed in my results the last few times I tried. I know I should stick with it and not let the disappointment get to me. As for staying away from carbs, I do love 'em so much, but once I set my mind to lose weight, I can stay away from them pretty well. It's just that once I slip up, I tend to have that mentality that I can have more...instead of getting right back on track. I guess my motivation wanes. Any tips for staying motivated enough to get back on track after a little slip up? Thanks for all the suggestions....this IS helping! |
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angelikmayhem New Member
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The reason why you're not supposed to diet around your daughter is because if she sees a book or DVD that says the word diet, it may trigger the autonomic responses that trigger her anorexia. Luckily for you, you can lose weight without spending a dime on weight loss roulette. I lost 75 pounds by eliminating fructose from my diet. Basically, by carefully monitoring which foods I ate and why I was eating them. I've helped my friends lose weight with the following checklist: - No sugary drinks including fruit juice. I drink water, tea, coffee, and milk. That's it. - No desserts. Period. - No condiments. That's it. You'll notice a change and, more importantly, your daughter won't notice that you're on a diet... she'll only notice that there's no pie or soda. Hope this helps. - AM |
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