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slimwish
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 20 Mar 2008 |
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| Posts: | 530 |
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Posted: 2 Nov 2009 08:47 pm |
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I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder, but my relationship with food doesn't seem quite right compared to others around me...
I  food. 
If there weren't consequences, I would pig out everyday. I used to overeat a lot when I was younger. (Thank goodness I never became overweight! :S)
I would often stuff myself with food, sometimes to the point where I felt sick and very uncomfortable from being so full.
I loved the taste of food.. Wasn't a picky eater. My friends' parents always noticed how unpicky I was & how much I ate! I always took multiple servings.
Events and stuff? Food is on my mind. Being invited over to a friend's house? Food is on my mind. Lunch time with my friends? My food and THEIR food is on my mind.
My thoughts would sometimes be quite embarrassing... I mean, I got so excited over food.  While other people didn't seem to care about the food around them, I'd be secretly be dying to having some of whatever inside. (Not sure if I'm making any sense, but I have a feeling other food obsessed people have similar kind of thoughts).
Sometimes it was hard... I'd be so tempted by other people's foods, but I wouldn't ask to have some cause that might've seemed rude &/or piggish.
Anyway, back to the present...
Food is always on my mind!
How normal is that? I seem to be obsessed with food.
And also, ironically, I seem to sorta have a mindset of a person with an eating disorder without the actual actions (don't know how to put it).
For example...
- my obsession with calories, fats, sugars, nutrition facts, & nutrition in general
- my preoccupation with food.. like I said, food is always on my mind
- I kind of eat in a strange way.. er "ritualistic" as one might say.. Like cutting up my food into tiny pieces... Or if it's something like a sandwich, I might tear bits at a time instead of actually biting into it.
- my weight loss wasn't dramatic though.. Around 119lbs to 106lbs (currently at my lowest!) ..
- I think I'm close to being chubby (I think other people think the same.. Some may not admit it cause they don't want me to be successful in losing weight.. So they might try to convince me to think I'm not chubby so I don't try to lose weigh. I'm quite paranoid.)
- my fixation on my body image.. I hate to see the scale go up (who doesn't though?!).. Even a 1lb gain is horrible. The next thing I know, I'd be several more pounds heavier.. Then suddenly, I'd be at my starting weight again. Ugh.
- I'm quite critical of my appearance.. I often find myself by the mirror.. Or grabbing/pinching the fat on my stomach, thighs, calves, arms..
- I'm scared of gaining weight
- OH MY GOSH  ............. I just checked another anorexia symptoms page, and it said "Ritualistic eating (including cutting food into a planned number of bites)"
... Before, when I said I cut up my food, sometimes I divide it like that so that I could have a certain amount of bites of each thing.......
-I have depression and I'm socially withdrawn, and I likely have some kind of anxiety issue too.. I would not be at all surprised if I have multiple mental disorders.
-Sometimes I hoard/hide food so that I can have it for myself later.. It's reasonable. I don't want my family members eating food I plan to eat cause then I could be stuck with unhealthy food.
-I am a perfectionist and have high grades.. Also low self esteem.
-I don't know if this related in anyway, but I've skipped my period for the last 4 months... It may just be related to stress or something else though.
-I don't like eating around certain people.. For example, I tend to get very angry when I'm eating & my mom walks into the room. (Then again, I'm also very paranoid)... I also don't like it when people stare at me or look at me/my food in an analyzing way when I'm eating! 
-I hate the feeling of having a full or bloated stomach
-I've become a vegetarian a few months ago
-Lately I've been skipping lunch at school... Sometimes cause I'm too busy.. Partially so I can eat more / be able to have a mini pig out when I get home. 
ANYWAY...
Yes.. I think my relationship with food is .. odd...
I don't think I have an eating disorder though cause I'm not starving or purging or binging regularly.
It's just strange. It seems like I sorta have the mindset / personality weaknesses as those with an eating disorder without actually starving/binging/purging/over-exercising. (Though I admit I sometimes do have thoughts about starving/binging/purging).
Can anyone relate to this?
I also want to hear about your relationship with food!
 SW
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Nir
Senior Administrator
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Posted: 3 Nov 2009 02:33 pm |
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| I can relate to practically everything (obviously not to the period stuff) when I was BMI 20 I wanted to go lower (finally saw sense when i got down to 18.5 and now finally convinced myself to go back up) I like the eating experience, one big reason for why a lot of my intake is vegetables is so I can eat lots, I also eat certain foods in smaller portions (random examples from today - cutting a 200 calorie tortilla into 16 pieces so I can enjoy the tortilla experience for 13 calories and not commit too much away, popping 100 calories worth of popcorn but only having about 15-20 calories at a time, microwaving my papads a quater at a time, chopping a potato into cubes but only cooking 50g of it at a time) do I consider it a problem? sometimes I'm busy and can't eat and that's more ideal because I can eat more 'normally' to get the required calories into me in less time. This behaviour is far less negative than when I used to binge on junk foods (and maintain an overweight body). I attend Overeater Anonymous meetings where I can identify with others many of whose stories are similar to yours and mine. Ever heard of 'EDNOS - eating disorder not otherwise specified'? if I wouldn't classify you as a grazing 'compulsive overeater' then I'd go for that. Regardless of what you are you might benefit from attending an OA meeting (in person or online) or reading their literature, or seeing a counsellor etc. don't be afraid of a label rather see the project as finding out if you want to change, just my 2 pennies
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 Nov 2009 02:41 pm |
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slimwish, a food hoarder...that is new for me, but i can tell you that sunday i got myself a bag of halloween candy, the mounds bars....and though i said aloud i would only eat one per day, and that i would share it with my hubby for his lunches.......i havent done ANY OF THAT. Instead, I put them away where only I knew they were. I also havent stuck to just one a day. I also havent given ONE to my hubby, who also hasnt asked for them, simply because well, candy isnt his bag. He doesnt care if he has it ever, well, not ever, but well, he isnt like me.
i can relate to a lot of what you said. I dont eat slowly though. I also love to eat in secrecy, away from anyone else, telling myself if they dont see me, it doesnt count....LOL.....but, also, Somewhere along the way I began to eat fast, i eat my food in 3/4 of the time most would take, with the same amounts on their plates. I try to eat slowly, to enjoy the taste but i often cant. I worked as a catering manager and had little time to ever eat, and i think that has changed me considerably. Now, I am an at home mom, with a house to manage each day and i have all the time in the world, but i still eat fast. It bothers me, but i dont know how to do it.
I love, no i adore the taste of food, good food, elegant fancy food, expensive food, junk food....i adore all of it. Working with the catering, well, my tastes were costly and i could eat it for free as a bonus. Of course I wasnt a skinny gal either! Rich sauces, etc dont ever make a body thin! lol.......now, i am inundated by junk, or at least processed things that my hubby enjoys because of his growing up being forced to clear his plate whether he liked it or not. He would even have to eat it the next day for breakfast if he didnt eat it when he was suppposed too. So, now I am having to pay the price of buying certain things that he loves, not things he will try and see how he likes it. Our budget is tight and i am not always able to get the things i should, the healthier things that is. Somehow, i have managed to lose anyway, probably more do to just watching calories, not carbs or fats etc...and working out alot more!
I think you are in the right place here, i would look into the different threads on this site, because you are not alone! :) We all have some weakness when it comes to food, how we relate to it, what it does to us, etc........thanks for sharing and welcome. :)
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slimwish
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 20 Mar 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 530 |
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Posted: 17 Nov 2009 07:30 pm |
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Nir ~ I think it is quite possible that I have EDNOS! I was just reading about that too.
when I was BMI 20 I wanted to go lower I know how that feels.. And when I went under 20, I still wanted to go lower.
BJD74 ~ I used to eat very fast all the time! Like a pig that has been deprived of food. I think I eat slower now, but there are still times when I go gobbling down really fast.
I'm very ashamed right now... I crashed. My eating was in order, but then I had one doughnut. That turned into two. And that turned into 4. 4 fat doughnuts at midnight.
I tripped and only continued to fall...
I gained 7 lbs in 1 week!! 
(Funny how I can spend months losing a few pounds, but it only takes a few days to gain them).
This always happens... Up and down up and down... Ugh.
I was at my lowest.
104 lbs. I weighed in at 112lbs today... Though I guess I could subtract 2 lbs since I had my clothes on & it wasn't in the morning. Still... I think I had at least a 5 lb gain.
No wait.
I think I made the trip two weeks ago.
Anyways, since two weeks... I had 11 doughnuts. Big kinds. I had 4 alone today!!!!
It wasn't only doughnuts. The doughnuts caused the trip, but I pigged out on other junk #%@&! food too.
I don't know if I can call them binges cause it's not like I eat 10000 calories in one sitting, so usually when I overeat, I say I "mini binged". Which for me is like having 2-3 times the amount of calories I should be having.
I feel disgusting.. Out of control.. I hate that feeling.
~~
Two factors always seem to be present when I crash. (There may be more, but these are consistent).
1. A break from food journaling.
2. Dehydration.
Ugh, I feel so.. like a pig. Today I ate till I felt sick. I hate how my stomach bloats up so that I look pregnant.
A random note: After at least 4 months without my period, I finally got it again. Who knows why it is messed up?! There a lot of variables... Going vegetarian, depression, stress, anxiety, aspartame (I had been drinking a Crystal light and chewing a lot of gum), weight loss, etc.
~~
Anyway, I must put an end to this madness. Before I continue to climb.
This past week or two, I kept telling myself that after one more day of pigging out, I will get back on track. And I'm not back on track yet!
Doughnuts... So unhealthy. Filled with sugar and fat. Maybe I should cut them out completely. A taste of one only caused a land slide.
I have to stop this now.
SW
Last edited on 17 Nov 2009 07:31 pm by slimwish
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slimwish
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 20 Mar 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 530 |
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Posted: 17 Nov 2009 07:51 pm |
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I want to go back to 108lbs fast. Fast as I gained all those pounds.
The crazy thing is with my binges, I would think things like : Okay, now I'm going to go the whole day tomorrow without eating to make up for this.
So maybe that's not so crazy, but definitely not normal. I'd fail at doing that anyway.
I still want to lose those pounds I gained.
I'm gonna attempt this:
Day 1 ~ 750 calories.
Day 2 ~ 1400 calories (I used to eat about this much before the trip).
Day 3 ~ 1150 calories
Day 4 ~ 1450 calories
Day 5 ~ 1400 calories
Day 6 ~ 1500 calories
Day 7 ~ 1000 calories
Day 8 ~ 1450 calories
Day 9 ~ 1500 calories
Day 10 ~ 1200 calories
Day 11 ~ 1450 calories
Day 12 ~ 1400 calories
Day 13 ~ 900 calories
Day 14 ~ 1450 calories
Day 15 ~ 1300 calories
Day 16 ~ 1450 calories
Day 17 ~ 1400 calories
Day 18 ~ 800 calories
Day 19 ~ 1300 calories
Day 20 ~ 1350 calories
Day 21 ~ 1450 calories
Some days I'm obviously going pretty low, but it can't be worse than those days I have 4 doughnuts + more #%@&! + other excess calories a day.
It kinda looks like I put a lot of thought into that, but I just made it up on the spot with some dips.
(Who knows if I'll even stick to that.. That's just what I want to do).
I just know I have to stop overeating now.
No more "just today..."
SW
Last edited on 17 Nov 2009 07:53 pm by slimwish
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 Nov 2009 08:02 pm |
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slimwish, i have one thought about the missed periods, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I have it, its not only for women who are heavy, as you in my eyes are very light! LOL....but i know you are in pain with your eating habits that go up and down...like today, i got busy painting the bathroom and i totally havent had anything since breakfast, coffee and a cup of homemade chicken soup! My tummy is growling now, and i will eat dinner....the last few days have been good for me because my weight had climbed over the last few weeks. I am finally back to 158. I had gone up to 162. I want to stay under the 160 mark for sure.
i would see your OBGYN about the p.c.o.s because its been the cause for me not having regular periods, above and beyond the whole stress etc.. :)
i have to get to the kid, she is calling me...sorry to cut it short!!!
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slimwish
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 20 Mar 2008 |
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| Posts: | 530 |
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Posted: 29 Nov 2009 01:33 pm |
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So much for my little plan.. I STILL haven't stopped binging. I ate more doughnuts last night. There's so much #%@&! in my stomach. I just want to throw up. I feel disgusting.
I've been craving a lot of sugar.
I've gained at least 10lbs by now. 5 Months of good eating to lose 10lbs, only to gain it back in a month.
I keep telling myself I'll fast for a little while to make up for it...
(Oh, about the doughnuts.. I get them free.. I work at a doughnut place. So tempting).
Edit: I don't just want to throw up cause I feel bad, but it makes me feel sickish to think about all the fat and sugar in there. If I wasn't afraid of throwing up, I would. To be honest.
Last edited on 29 Nov 2009 01:38 pm by slimwish
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slimwish
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 20 Mar 2008 |
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| Posts: | 530 |
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Posted: 6 Dec 2009 10:29 am |
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Ugh, more and more doughnuts. And chocolate. And other junk food.
I hate myself.
I got to stop this... I know part of the reason is cause I'm so dehydrated.. I hate drinking water though.
I want to fast or something to get rid of all that I gained over the past moth or so.
I keep telling myself I will... But I just cave in anyway.
I hate the feeling.. Like food has control over me.
Bad start today.. Already had 1 1/4 danishes.
Last night, I had 3 large doughnuts.
SW
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 Dec 2009 11:06 am |
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ok, slim u definately have a crush on danish and doughnuts, bakery items in general. Sweetie, you are hurting yourself because you are telling yourself you cant have them, thereby making it worse and wanting them more. Be careful and be kind to yourself. When i get an itch for things, like yesterday i saw a nice little white single layer bakery cake, all pretty with red and green frosting on the markdown at albertsons, so i got it.......there was a time back then, that i could probably eat the whole little cake, but then i give myself one or two big bites and allow myself to eat it.....go for the whole piece of cake and end up only able to eat half of it due to the sweetness and the richness of it. I have come a long way, and to get here I worked hard on eliminating those items from my world. We live outside of town, stores, bakeries, doughnut stores etc arent available as easily to me, and noone here would eat them but me....so to buy them it would be unwise for me money wise since we have to budget very carefully. I guess I am trying to say that I did have to exercise alot of control, and I had to decide if i really enjoyed it afterwards and didnt hate myself for being unable to stop eating things that hurt me. It has taken me a year to get here. I still have the weak times, like buying that cake yesterday, but at this time, at least I can only eat about half of the same size i used to wolf down a year ago.
As for working in a bakery, or doughnut shop, well girl you put yourself in a risky situation to not lose a pd if you cant get a control on eating something else that is better for you. I recall goin into a Krispy Kreme store before having my kid, my mom had an itch for the fresh hot doughnut, we stood there taking it all in, overwhelmed by the aroma and finally we got a dozen and some milk and sat down outside to eat them.....somehow i made it thru chomping on two different ones but after i felt so extremely ill! :( I havent ever been a doughnut person though, i ate them if they were around just to eat something......but never have gone to a store to buy them. I think back at how the aroma made my head spin, it was too much and i dont think i could eat them very often, or work in a place with that smell for that matter. I havent ever worked in a restaurant but i was a catering manager for hotels, country clubs etc. and was surrounded by goodies all the time, and i weighed 195. I was busy busy busy, but i also ate all leftovers available for me, and that was often my food for the day.....even if the food was good, and healthy the amounts killed me, the times of day i would eat, the richness of the food etc.....it was dangerous for me, and having been out of it since before MJ was born I BELIEVE has allowed me to lose the weight i have been carrying around.
I wish I had a solution for you, short of willpower that seems to be hard for you to muster, and with good reason, its all around you! Do you go thru points in time where you just dont want them? are you eating them because you are bored? are you insecure about the people you work with? are you broke and unable to afford to buy good healthy things that you can take to work and munch on instead? I would be taking carrots, veggies, fruit, cheese, anything that is filling and will keep me away from the dough. I may suggest an appetite supressent for the times you go to work, the slimquick with hoodia may work, and its not really anything that can harm you, its just good vitamins to keep your body moving and not always thinking about food. I started off using that last thanksgiving, and still take it from time to time when i am feeling weaker but it has helped me to control HOW MUCH i take, or want to eat.....
I wish you luck, and strength and willpower to get it moving for you! I also have to say you really have to be ready to take control back. Your mind just hits a point and sais ok, enough. Enough of this hurting myself.....
I am honest in saying its not easy, somedays i would crash terribly, but other days i would be super strong. I also had to workout, daily or at least 3-5 days a week, for at least 30-60min. I am an at home mommy, and I do have days where i just feel totally out of control, but overall i guess i have been successful because i Have lost 35 pds and counting. (although at 160 my doctor finally told me that i am not overweight, not obese, not heavy, that for my height and activity level i am JUST FINE! And i look Great! :) That means a lot and has softened my horrible impression of myself thru my eyes, which are highly critical.
Good luck, keep coming back and talking about your days because i believe that sharing with anyone who can listen and talk, will help you....at least it has helped me....immensely!!!!
ONE DAY AT A TIME! :)
WATER IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT!!! Cant live without it, flushes our bodies of the bad chemicals etc.....a must have! I drink at least 2-3 32oz gatorade bottles of water a day. Somedays its not easy but i know my body needs it.
Last edited on 8 Dec 2009 11:09 am by BJD74
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