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Michele
New Member
| Joined: | 15 Feb 2006 |
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| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: 15 Feb 2006 07:11 pm |
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Hi everyone,
This is the first time I have posted because I just found this wonderful forum. I am in desperate need of help. Specifically, I want to know if there is anyone else out there who is going through what I am going through. If not, can someone disect what I'm going through and give me some insight.
I have been battling this for 6 years. Here is the simplest way to describe my problem. I am 5'5'' and 140 pounds. A year ago I was 120 pounds. That is the story of my life....working my way to one of those weights. I think I have a binge eating disorder. I recently saw a nutritionist and when I told her what I thought, she was shocked...simply because I do not look "fat".
I am either starving myself or eating so much that I am swollen the next morning when I wake up. Every single thought for the past 6 years is consumed with what I'm going to eat, what diet I'm on now, when I'm going to eat, and what weight I'm going to end up at. I know this sounds crazy, but it's the truth. I have a tremendous amount of anxiety associated with my binges. It is as though I can't stop once I've started. Sometimes I feel like I get into another zone and I don't realize when 30 - 40 minutes have gone by.
I am a strict exerciser. I work out daily, which I am sure is the only way that I am able to stay at 140. I have put on 20 pounds in a year, with almost all of those coming on in the first few months.
Now, the only thoughts that enter my mind is how I'm going to get the 20 pounds off as quickly as possible because spring is coming. However, I'm scared to do anything drastic as I usually do, because I know I will be creeping back up to 140 after my strict diet. I avoid most public events because I don't want people to see how I look. I know people close to me recognize the constant weight gain and loss, but I don't know how to stop it.
I have made so many promises with myself to stop, but with every broken promise, my heart is filled with doubt that I will ever be able to get through this.
It's almost like I have a day where I eat 4000 calories and a day where I'm normal, at 1200 or so.
Can anyone relate? Does anyone have help for me? I am to the point where I don't know where to turn. I can't live this way or make the people around me live with my ups and downs.
Thank you for listening,
Michele
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Be A Cow
Senior Member
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Posted: 15 Feb 2006 09:36 pm |
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It's good that you've gone to a nutritionist. Did they have any suggestions or help for you?
For the last 8 1/2 years I've been struggling with food and diets and medical conditions--and last year I went through a binge and get rid of it period (it was a fairly short period, because I was tired of it not working, and I decided I'd need to start doing it a lot more often--the get rid of it part--or stop, because it really wasn't helping)--There should be a more detailed post about all this in this eating disorder forum.
I don't really know what to say to help you--what helped me was telling my family. I moved home for a week to "get started"--and it was really difficult at first. Especially since I only had one week at home. But for several months my mom would call me several times a day, and I went home every weekend for awhile. I didn't have medical insurance at the time so I didn't go to a doctor.
Since it seems you have that option, I would suggest you seek help there??
My relationship with food hasn't changed much yet. But this time in my diet, I'm focusing on being healthy as I try to lose weight, and relearn how to eat. So when I get to where I want to be, I can stay there. Most people on this site (myself included) seem to thing about food 24 hours a day. That hasn't gone away yet.
I don't know what would be best for you, but whatever you choose to do, make sure it's you that are choosing it. Try not to take in everyone's ideas once you've decided what you want to do (what I mean is, don't let so many different opinions confuse you).
You'll probably get a lot of support from the people here :)
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snussster
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 Feb 2006 10:52 pm |
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Hi there Michele,
Wow. I can relate. I have found myself either gorging or starving over the years, and food is my obsession, for so many reasons. Food is love, food is entertainment, sometimes i feel the need to just "be filled," sometimes I hate food because of what it does to me and so I stay away from it, with a vengeance.
We all have to eat, so we know it isn't like an alcohol or drug hang-up.
I'll just write what I've heard and know -- but of course you'll end up finding what rings that special bell for you, what works just for Michele.
My Mom told me about a tv show she watched the other night -- it was a man who weighs 800 lbs -- at least that's what he weighed the last time he was able to weigh himself -- but he hasn't been able to weigh himself for quite a while. Family members feed him all day, and he was lying in his bed, eating fried chicken from a fast food rastaurant, telling the camera that his last stomach-stapling had failed, and if he couldn't get it stapled again, he'd just die.
That speaks volumes to me.
It tells me that he has convinced himself that he has no power over his own situation, and, in his case, a life-or-death situation.
I can't convince myself that I'm powerless over how I feel and how I look and what my health is. I know that responsibility is mine and mine alone. I alone have the power to make changes in my life.
It really helps me to read other peoples' posts here and see the successes they experience. I want that, too. I want that very much. I want to feel good about myself -- about my body, definitely, but more importantly, about my behavior and general self-esteem, which completely affects what I decide to do with my body -- the exercise I do, the food I eat -- everything. Even the people I hang out with, and the thoughts I feed into my mind constantly. One tiny thing affects every single aspect.
I know I'm strong enough and powerful enough to make the changes I need to make. I may not be able to do it 100% of the time, but 75 or 85% of the time is pretty #%@&!ed good.
Michele, have you thought about seeking psychological help? You may not want to do that, but obviously this issue is perplexing you and causing pain for you. A psychologist is nothing more than a sounding board who doesn't have any stake in your life and whose only concern is to help you get on a positive, healthy path that you feel comfortable with. I see someone every other week. he lets me know that I'm really ok, and he guides me towards the decisions I naturally want to make. I think you're ready to make those decisions too, based on what i read in you post.
Follow what you really, really want for yourself. You must be a lovely person, and a healthy person, too, from what I read.
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Nir
Senior Administrator
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Posted: 16 Feb 2006 05:43 am |
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In imperial measurements, I'm 5' 5.5". Late 2003 I was 140, by xmas got to 130 then shot back up to 140 by January. Got down to 121 by mid 2004 then shot up 10-15 pounds in a month or two. Gradually got down. Climbed up. Now climbing down. 130-odd at present. When I was doing Atkins early 2004 I amassed two large sacks of carb treats (chocolates, cookies, sweets, cereal) - together they weighed 8 kilos. In May 2004 after 'rebelling' / falling off my diet, I jumped up from 1500-1800 calories up to 6000 calories a day. Several times I gave my forbidden food sacks to be looked after elsewhere (my parents' house) and several times I asked for them back! (so yes, I can relate)
What helps? Even if I am a good weight I cannot let go. I am a foodie, and a recently developing interest in cooking isn't necessarily helpful if not taken in the right direction. I find this website a great help in focusing myself. I'm trying hypnosis as well - early days yet. I'm the kind of person who likes eating a lot - even if it is fruits and vegetables I'd have myself stuffing food in my mouth all day long - I'm currently trying to eat 'sensible' quantities too - trying to keep produce consumption to just a kilo a day as I've heard that a full stomack can irritate the nearby pancreas which then produces more insulin and makes you feel hungry. A focus and a shift to healthy eating - not to loose weight but to be healthier and avoid diseases - I think that is helping me too. I still have my binges but I try to be accountable, I try to get right back on track, I make the most of this website. I think I'm making progress but only time will tell. Even though I reached 121 perhaps that was too low so I have a body fat % goal instead this time around. I'm loosing so slowly that this is already practice for my maintenance phase.
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Peter
Founder of this forum
| Joined: | 24 May 2005 |
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| Posts: | 4180 |
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Posted: 16 Feb 2006 06:12 am |
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Michele,
That's a big step just that you shared.
The real shock for me when I went to my first OA meeting was that there were so many other people that were so crazed over food... with it occupying their every thought. I spent years at meetings and all the sharing and learning about what others were going through was very helpful to me.
Best wishes,
Peter
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Michele
New Member
| Joined: | 15 Feb 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: 16 Feb 2006 02:49 pm |
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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Snussster and Be a cow, you touched my heart. Thank you for taking the time to write me. Snussster, you are right on about this being our responsibility. I know I can take charge, but why can't I seem to do it now? It's funny, I remember a year ago when I was 120 lbs and I can honestly say that I wasn't happy then either. All I think about now is how happy I will be and how perfect everything will be if I can lose these 20 pounds and get back to 120. However, the reality is that I don't think that is the link to my happiness.
What will make me eternally happy is to feel like I am in control again...no matter what the scale says. I want to look forward to seeing people again instead of making excuses to not go out.
Yes, I have thought about seeing someone. I'm going to see an eating disorder specialist and I'll let you know how that goes. I just need to talk to someone, you know? After 6 years of secrets, I need to let it out. No one knows I'm going through this, not even my precious husband, whom I love with all my heart. I don't want him to know how weak I really am. So silly, I know.
Again, thank you for being so generous with your responses. I look forward to working with you all!
Michele
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suenos
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 Feb 2006 04:06 pm |
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Michele, I can totally relate to everything you say. I feel like food - eating it, not eating it, has controlled a huge portion of my adult life. For me it's always been not about the overeating (an extra slice of pie) but the binge eating (a whole pie). And while everyone who knows me knows that I am trying to lose weight, I can't admit to anyone (except the people on this forum) the vast quantities of food I was consuming. A few weeks ago a friend I have known for three years remarked that she had never seen me eat. I think the whole solitary aspect of binge eating just adds to the shame and fuels the poor self image that leads to more binging. So, I hear you girl, you are so not alone in this process.
Talk about broken promises. If I had just one penny for every time I told myself I was gonna start a diet tommorrow, and then used that excuse to stuff my face the night before I'd be a millionaire.
You are taking all the right first steps. I love that you are seeing an eating disorder specialist. And I know you will find really good support, inspiration, advice and just plain empathy on this forum.
Last edited on 16 Feb 2006 04:07 pm by suenos
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Michele
New Member
| Joined: | 15 Feb 2006 |
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| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: 16 Feb 2006 04:34 pm |
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Suenos,
Thank you for understanding. I wouldn't wish what I feel on anyone, but it is helpful to know that there are others who understand.
Sometimes I think that I may not have a problem with food, but my anxiety manifests itself with what I eat. I can feel my heart race when I get home from work because I know I am alone to eat what I want. There are times that I either stay at work late or find something to do after work until my husband gets home so I can avoid a binge.
I am the same as you...eating an extra slice of pizza is not the issue; it's eating little bites of the pizza as though I'm fooling myself or something until I realize the whole thing is gone. It's not having dessert after dinner, it's having the ability to eat half a gallon of ice cream in a few minutes. It's amazing to me how much anxiety is within me until I get whatever it is that I'm going to eat. Then, as soon as I'm done, I'm calm and feel guily and depressed. That is followed by a resolution to never do it again....well, you get the picture.
I'll let you all know if I actually go see someone. I think we should all be proud that we're aware enough to admit we have a problem and are seeking solutions.
Michele
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snussster
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 Feb 2006 12:17 am |
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Michele wrote: It's funny, I remember a year ago when I was 120 lbs and I can honestly say that I wasn't happy then either. All I think about now is how happy I will be and how perfect everything will be if I can lose these 20 pounds and get back to 120. However, the reality is that I don't think that is the link to my happiness.
Wow -- a coworker wrote an email to me not long ago that said the same thing, Michele. She's been very unhappy about her weight and hasn't been able to change her habits. Someone asked her what happened the last time she felt she was at a good weight and in-shape, and she immediately thought of a trip to hawaii she and her husband and her best friend took. She had a horrible time -- everyone looked at her friend, her husband didn't pay the attention to her that she had expected, her in-laws didn't mention how great she looked (she had lost 40 lbs for crying out loud) and she felt invisible.
We discussed the importance of losing weight and getting in shape for ourselves -- but then we wondered why? Don't we all need to feel attractive and desirable and hear good things about ourselves? And would all of our dreams come true if we were physically "perfect"? No. Guess not. Guess we need to have other dreams to work towards, to really feel fulfilled and happy.
It sure is complex, and frustrating. My therapist (you know, I hate to call him that! It makes me feel creepy, like I'm one of those snooty people who go see their "therapist" to whine about their marvelous life -- I'm gonna call him "the nice man I see sometimes" instead) -- I mean that nice man I see sometimes, he told me there are 3 scientifically proven ways to kind of turn the mind around and help your brain make you feel happy -- regular exercise, novel activities (like challenging yourself by learning something new that you're interested in) and pleasurable, rewarding activities (like reading if you're a reader, dancing if you love dancing, winning a race if you're competitive).
I've been eating like a madwoman since winter came. My beautiful garden outside is now dormant. I was in a play at the community theater but it was over in July. One of my best friends moved away; and it gets dark so early. I have nothing to do. And I'm not a reader. So I eat. All night long, if I'm not on this forum.
I'm glad I sat down to write this. I think you helped me figure something out about myself -- I'm gonna go to the gym tonight and get some happy exercise! Maybe tomorrow we can all think about what really makes us happy -- like a bumpersticker I saw recently: "Are you the person you dreamed of being?"
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NevD
New Member
| Joined: | 26 Oct 2005 |
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| Posts: | 1536 |
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Posted: 17 Feb 2006 05:16 pm |
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The "the nice man I see sometimes" omitted written goals, which also help to change a person's mindset.
If it's not written down and read back to yourself frequently, it's not a goal, it's just something you remember occasionally (probably with regret).
NevD 
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snussster
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 19 Feb 2006 12:55 am |
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Excellent point, nevd. maybe he leaves that out for his own job security!! After all, he writes everything down... but of course it's better for us to write it down and turn it into a sort of mantra, too. Then it becomes much more of a commitment rather than a "nice idea."
The "read back to yourself frequently" must be they key. I've always been something of a journaler, but I write and then don't revisit what I wrote. I happened to look through some old things I had written over the years not long ago, and there was my recurring theme, so loud and clear and vivid: "I want to feel good and be thin again and exercise again and be proud of my body and confident in my health." You're so right. It's a lifestyle change, a gradual, conscious commitment to a better life for yourself. 3 days of eating right and exercising won't show a difference, and it won't create a lifestyle change. But a focused commitment to a better life, and really, really looking at what I want for myself and who I want to be when I'm 45, 50, 55, 60, 65 -- not just next week -- will definitely make a difference. All the little things add up. That's why we go to school for so long -- there's no way we can learn everything in 3 days!
And "to thine own self be true." Atkins won't work for me, as I don't care for the foods involved and I have issues with forcing ketosis on my body. Eating more vegetables and fruits and thinking about my trigger foods, I mean really thinking about why I eat them, why I gorge sometimes, or go on a personal 'food vacation" in the kitchen by myself, and get angry when someone walks in and sees what I'm doing -- that's where I'm learning a lot, and I believe it's working for me as my behavior is slowly changing. Physical hunger has never been the issue, but satisfaction is. Boredom. Feeling deprived. Not knowing how to 'treat" myself with something other than food. Sitting at home all night "with nothing to do" is a surefire way to get me into the kitchen, even though I'm always envious of other people who have projects and activities and things they love to do and enjoy. I tell myself I'm too busy. Not true, really. I'm too busy eating and bemoaning my boring life. Who will change that if not me? No one.
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Krinkala
Member
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Posted: 19 Feb 2006 02:23 am |
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Hi Michele,
Do not despair. You can do this. It's a matter of changing a few habits and then after a while it will all start to come together for you.
The first thing you need to face up to, though, is that quick diets don't work. You can hurt your health with fad diets and then you regain all the weight and more anyway. It is actually faster to lose weight slowly and steadily in the long run. And then by the time you are at goal, you have healthy habits and will stand a much better chance of keeping the weight off.
Since you are already obsessed about food, use your obsession to do a food diary every day. And count every calorie that goes into your mouth. You can buy books or look at food counts on this site. And you can look up calories burned on this site. Then you can see what you are doing and that serves as feedback for you to make changes. Sometimes it's only a few foods that are causing you problems. And sometimes it is letting yourself go hungry for many hours during the day and then in the evening you are tired and hungry and famished. Then you binge and do the couch potato thing. At least that is what I used to do.
I've lost almost 60 pounds in the last 1-1/2 years and part of the reason is that I don't ever let myself go hungry for very long. I use a food diary, and count my exercise burned as well. I eat lighter meals than I used to and regular healthy snacks between meals. That keeps blood sugar levels more even as well. It helps to have people to talk to, so come here and chat. It's good to have suport.
It would be good for you to find out the calories you will need to maintain your ideal weight. Are you sure at 5'5" that 120 is a reasonable goal? If you set your goal too low then when you are at that goal weight you might be unhappy with the little amount of food you would have to eat to maintain that. And then you'd always be struggling and unhappy. To maintain 120# you have to eat 1500 calories a day or less depending on your activity level. I know that I have decided that I'm happier eating about 1700 calories a day and I will just do the exercise it will take to maintain.
Oh, if you keep your calories at a reasonable level that is not too much and not extremely low, you will find that your emotions will level out as well.
Good luck to you!
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Michele
New Member
| Joined: | 15 Feb 2006 |
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| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: 20 Feb 2006 10:31 pm |
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Hi to everyone who responded to my message. Thank you. Everything you write helps me so much. I went to Borders on Friday and bought a couple books. There are a couple that I think are worth you reading, so as soon as I finish them, I'll send you the titles. One is on Binge eating and one is on anxiety.
Thanks for all the tips and I'm going to start keeping a food diary tomorrow. I have done this in the past except my problem isn't with the food that I eat on a regular basis, it's what goes into my mouth when I'm out of control. Then, I just don't write ALL that food down....so from the log, it appears that my eating habits are perfect, however, the reality is much different.
Thanks again for the response and Snussster, thanks for sharing the 3 things that the "nice man" told you about changing your mind. Those are great and I'm going to write them down and keep them with me.
Well, on to another day. I love hearing from you all so anything you want to share, please feel free to do it.
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bulldog10
New Member
| Joined: | 23 Feb 2006 |
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| Posts: | 5 |
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Posted: 23 Feb 2006 03:28 pm |
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Michele,
I relate entirely. I too am about 5'5 and my weight has varied from 128 up to 160 over the last few years. I felt like I was reading my own words when I read your first entry. I go through phases where I am super-healthy and eat great for some time, and then wham-bam I eat one chocolate chip...then the bag....then I reach for the popcorn, then yogurt, then ice cream, and I eat everything in sight and I feel like once I start I cannot stop. Don't give up, you aren't alone. One thing I do is I try not to let myself start snacking unless I have a limited time....For example if I am watching a TV show and I am dying for some crackers or fruit or something, I don't let myself start eating until the last 10-15 minutes. This way I am at least partially limited.
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snussster
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 Feb 2006 10:50 pm |
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Hi There Michele,
I know what you mean about not writing everything down in the food diary. That's a hard one, because then when you see it on paper, it becomes real. Sometimes I can write it all down, and then later I remember "Oh yeah, and I forgot about that whole box of crackers I ate, too."
Writing it all down was the real eye-opener for me, though -- the first time I did it, it was actually for smoking, not for food. We were to write down each cigarette we smoked -- what time it was, how badly we felt we needed it (we could choose "no, yes or YES!") and what our mood was (we could choose little faces of sad, no feeling and happy). I discovered that out of 20 cigarettes in a day, there were only maybe 2 that I felt I needed, and while I always thought I was a morning smoker, I smoked a whole lot more in the evenings, and my mood at that time was usually "no feeling." Told me a lot about why I was doing it.
Same thing for food, except I'm learning even more. It's all about boredom for me. Well, boredom and creating a mini-vacation for myself. See, I think I've been depriving myself of fun in my life -- I go to work, I go home. People tend to forget that pleasure is an important part of life. My boyfriend and I don't enjoy very many of the same activities, and most of the time he's my companion, so we tend to do nothing. That's boring, and so I feel deprived. But "fun" food is a quick and easy way for me to give myself pleasure, so that's what I do. Then of course I feel guilty and ashamed. I could go to the local ski area and go tubing instead, but it's easy to say no to the long drive and the expense when ice cream is just a walk to the refrigerator. I think many of us replace the excitement we should be having in our lives with food instead.
Nobody else has to see what you write. You deserve to have a journal or diary with nothing but your own thoughts and ideas and feelings, safe from anyone else to see.
Happy Friday Michele!
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NevD
New Member
| Joined: | 26 Oct 2005 |
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| Posts: | 1536 |
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Posted: 25 Feb 2006 05:03 pm |
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Writing it all down was the real eye-opener for me, though
Me too, and it changed me from a 'serial dieter' to a long-term leanbody...
Do it! It's worth the effort...
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