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alwaysstressed
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jul 2010 |
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| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: 13 Jul 2010 09:32 am |
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Hi. I was wondering if there was anyone who could relate to me and help me find some answers about what is going on with my body. I am 24 years old, 5'7 and currently 224 pounds. All my life, I have been struggling with my weight and body image. I was a chubby kid growing up and big boned - my weight in high school fluctuated between 160 and 180 lbs. When I started college, I gained the freshman 30, which led to the beginning of my eating disorder. I began purging all the food I ate and would only let my body keep 'healthy' and acceptable foods like fruit. In 6 months, I dropped 30 pounds and kept losing weight. My eating behaviors were spiraling out of control, but I was ecstatic about my weight loss. I was mostly bulimic and kept finding ways to purge - it lead to restriction and soon even a 'normal' sized meal became unacceptable and my body felt the need to get rid of that 'full' feeling. I lost about 70 lbs and my lowest was 130 lbs. My target was 120, but now I would give anything just to be 130 again. I was a size 6/7 or x-small/small almost everywhere. Now I am 2XXL.
I sought help for several years, saw doctors, dietitians, even partial hospitalization programs. I was able to maintain my 130-140 weight for 4 years with my eating disorder. Besides Russel's signs on my knuckles and hands, nobody could tell I was even sick. I actually looked very healthy and slim. THEN, the stress hit, bombarded me - it was everything from finance to parents' ongoing divorce to boyfriend/fiance and in-laws. I no longer had any privacy and found myself taking care of my in-laws. It was more than I could bear and the weight gain started. I was still purging, but my body stopped functioning the way it used to. My menstruation cycle stopped completely and I noticed rapid hair growth on my body - in places I never had hair before (stomach, neck, throat, hands, etc.). I also started getting acne - before, my skin was perfect (not to boast, but I'm dead serious, everywhere I went complete strangers would always comment on how flawless my skin was). Furthermore, my feet grew TWO sizes. I've become my worst nightmare.
I still purge after eating, but it doesn't make any difference anymore. It's been 2 years since these changes occurred. I have tried EVERYTHING from pills to diet to personal trainers and working out - nothing works. My body doesn't respond to anything. I am so upset at how I've become that it's all I think about. Am I the only obese anorexic/bulimic? Professional treatment only catalyzed the weight gain.
One of my doctors mentioned PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome), but an ultra sound showed no signs of cysts. Please help. I don't know what to do.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate any input/reply.
Last edited on 13 Jul 2010 09:36 am by alwaysstressed
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suenos
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 Jul 2010 12:33 pm |
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Hi alwaystressed!
Well, you asked for input but I'm afraid you might not be enthusiastic about the only suggestion I have. Seek competent professional help regarding your eating disorder from a provider who is experienced in successfully treating eating disorders. Since you are still purging, IMO the problem is first dealing with the eating disorder because that's a serious and immediate threat to your health. Trying to lose weight right now strikes me as something that's only making the bullemia worse. I know you've had poor experiences with treatment - but all ED specialists are not created equal (just like some personal trainers suck wind and others rock)....I would seriously reccommend that you continue seeking an ED professional with a solid educational background and good reputation in the field, who is open to your concerns about further weight gain while under treatment.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but, I seriously hope you consider treatment for your ED before seeking to lose weight at this point. Be well.
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Nir
Senior Administrator
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Posted: 13 Jul 2010 09:02 pm |
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alwaysstressed wrote: Am I the only obese anorexic/bulimic?
In order to get diagnosed as anorexic using DSMV criteria, you need to be underweight (15% under 'normal' weight or BMI less than 17.5) however what you are referring to is your severe calorie restriction and that explains things for example the hair you were describing.
I am sure I won't be telling you anything you have not heard before if I explained about 'the starvation response' (sometimes called 'starvation mode'), the only way you'll be able to lose weight is to gradually build your calorie intake from unsustainably low levels to what will be approaching a reasonable maintenance-type number. During this time you can expect some weight fluctuation and some weight gain but this is inevitable and unavoidable. When your metabolism has been 'repaired' by this refeeding process you can then create a modest calorie deficit by continuing to eat a reasonable amount of food not too little, and also with some activity. (and you'll need to stop purging too)
However I agree with suenos, this technical advice is all very well but whilst in the grip of an ED you are not likely to find it very practical to follow, you will likely need some support and supervision.
If you want to read more about the technical aspect of recovery you could do worse than Google for 'Leigh Peele' who sells an ebook about this and has some free blog posts and articles too
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alwaysstressed
New Member
| Joined: | 13 Jul 2010 |
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| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: 14 Jul 2010 05:49 am |
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Thank you for your quick responses. They were very informative and I know I need to get help again, but I just feel so helpless and out of control. Also, money has been an issue and everyone knows that treatment is not cheap. I've been looking into groups such as OA (overeaters anonymous) and plan on attending a few meetings for support.
I have no one to talk to openly about my situation - at least no one who understands. I mentioned anorexic/bulimic because that's what one of the hospital treatment directors diagnosed me as - not that I was underweight, but my behaviors suggested restrictive/purge eating behaviors. I hardly took laxatives and do not have the will power to obsess over excessive exercising, although I wish I did - I know that sounds bad, but my current figure has caused continuous black and white thinking. "I am fat, therefore I don't deserve to be happy." I hardly go out and am embarrassed to socialize with my old friends.
The restrictive caloric issue - does that explain the 2 year stop on menstrual cycle as well? I'm afraid I won't be able to have kids in the future.
Thank you Nir and Suenos,
alwaysstressed
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juliedsummerall34
New Member
| Joined: | 14 Jul 2010 |
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| Posts: | 1 |
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Posted: 15 Jul 2010 09:25 am |
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Yes excessive restriction impacts mensturation.
I'm in OA and find it very useful. Some meetings have more anorexics and bulemics than others.
Whilst money is tight don't forget to utilise cheaper modalities such as self-help books, and dedicated forums on recovery websites http://www.something-fishy.org/online/options.php
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 Jul 2010 12:03 pm |
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alwaysstressed wrote: I know that sounds bad, but my current figure has caused continuous black and white thinking. "I am fat, therefore I don't deserve to be happy." I hardly go out and am embarrassed to socialize with my old friends.
at 145 pounds (bmi 23.4) I still think "I am fat, therefore I don't deserve to be happy." I know I will always feel this way. It's ridiculous, but body dysmorphia is a very real thing, it messes with your head and makes you feel guilty for being who you are. So you have some weight to lose, you still deserve to be happy! I'm so bad, I will walk by a window with friends that weigh as much as 30lbs heavier then me and I kid you not, my reflection looks heavier to me. I'm told this is in my head, but honestly I don't see it at all. I think people are lying to me all the time. One day I even tried on a shirt at kohls and it was too big, I had to go get a size small, and I burst into tears, not in happiness but in frustration, because how could somebody who is so obviously huge wear a small?
The point is our heads don't always reflect real life, sometimes you have to live to be happy, and not worry about an ideal that is impossible to get to, especially when your own head tells you that you don't deserve it. Start to get healthy, inside and out and the weight loss will follow.
Last edited on 21 Jul 2010 12:05 pm by OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
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