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Tricon7
New Member
| Joined: | 7 Dec 2010 |
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| Posts: | 17 |
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Posted: 11 Dec 2010 07:05 pm |
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I have a very disappointing situation. My wife is about 50-60 lbs. overweight, and although I've been on a strict diet for a month now and am making good progress, she shows no interest in following suit. She went on a very strict diet back in '02 and lost 60 lbs., looking great in the process. I met her in '03 and, alas, she stopped dieting and you can guess what happened then. Gradually she increased her weight until she's where she is now.
I had hoped that my efforts would spur her to diet, too, but it hasn't. She's really been packing the weight on lately, and she's getting bulges I've never seen before now. None of her clothes fit her anymore, and she's stopped her occasional walk around the neighborhood altogether. She only seems to want to lay around, watch TV, and eat chocolate, ice cream, and cookies, with no effort to control her calories. I don't dare say anything to her about her weight, since I did that once and I'll never do it again. 
Beyond commenting on how well my diet is going for me, being obvious about my own exercise efforts and how much better it makes me feel, I don't know what else to do. This is also affecting our love life, as the heavier she gets, the less physically attractive she becomes (not that I don't love her no matter what).
She admits that she needs to lose weight and occasionally she'll make some derogatory comment about her size, but nothing ever becomes of it. I know I can only change myself, but I'm out of ideas. I've brought up how we need to start taking better care of ourselves for our children's sake and she wholeheartedly agrees, but again - nothing.
Has anyone else experienced this?
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tourproven
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 Dec 2010 01:12 pm |
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If you have to avoid mentioning it, I would try to watch the show "The Biggest Loser" together. It is very motivating and really shows that change is possible. Seeing all those people change their lives for the better really puts emphasis on what is important in life, and its not the food.
You are lucky that the final of the season is on this Tuesday, where it will show how 20 or so people started to lose weight only 4 months ago (most around 275-400lbs). 4 months later they will all look like completely different people, and be gleeming with pride and accomplishment.
One can't help but be motivated to change their ways upon seeing this episode.
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Sylphide
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 1 Aug 2006 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 247 |
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Posted: 12 Dec 2010 05:09 pm |
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Your wife sounds like me, Tricon. I lost about 60 lbs a few years ago and gained it all back. (Actually I've lost and regained about 50 pounds a half-dozen times.)
Now, when I think of trying again I remember going to bed hungry after feeling distracted by hunger throughout the day. I remember going to buffets and denying myself the things I really wanted. I remember going without the ice-cream, cookies and other sweets that I've always loved. Mostly, I remember how quickly I gained it all back as soon as I started allowing myself the slightest bit of leeway.
Throughout the regain, I continued my daily, one hour workout routine, so I have very little faith in exercise as a weight loss tool without restricted calories.
You say you met your wife in 03 and now you have children together. I imagine the pregnancies didn't help the situation. Actually she may be a little bit depressed. It can be hard for a new mother to see herself as anything other than, "Mommy." Whatever you can do to remind her that she's also an attractive young woman would probably help.
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Tricon7
New Member
| Joined: | 7 Dec 2010 |
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| Posts: | 17 |
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Posted: 13 Dec 2010 12:49 am |
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Sylphide wrote: Your wife sounds like me, Tricon. I lost about 60 lbs a few years ago and gained it all back. (Actually I've lost and regained about 50 pounds a half-dozen times.)
Now, when I think of trying again I remember going to bed hungry after feeling distracted by hunger throughout the day. I remember going to buffets and denying myself the things I really wanted. I remember going without the ice-cream, cookies and other sweets that I've always loved. Mostly, I remember how quickly I gained it all back as soon as I started allowing myself the slightest bit of leeway.
Throughout the regain, I continued my daily, one hour workout routine, so I have very little faith in exercise as a weight loss tool without restricted calories.
You say you met your wife in 03 and now you have children together. I imagine the pregnancies didn't help the situation. Actually she may be a little bit depressed. It can be hard for a new mother to see herself as anything other than, "Mommy." Whatever you can do to remind her that she's also an attractive young woman would probably help.
Well, she'll always be my bride, but as her weight has climbed, the amount of time between our "intimate times" has increased more and more. She's very intelligent, so I find it hard to believe that she doesn't realize the true reason for this, yet she seems blithely oblivious to it. She brings it up occasionally as cause for concern, but yet I can't tell her the true reason or else she'll have a meltdown and won't speak to me - or something similar.
I remember once for fun I photoshopped my head onto the body of this guy who had a huge gut. I showed it to her, and her immediate reaction was "gross!" So why should I feel any different were my spouse to become equally obese (though she's not quite to that point yet)? Anyway, *sigh*, this has been going on for years now, and she's only getting worse. Her sister has been about 20-30 lbs. heavier than her since I've known her, but my wife is closing the gap quickly. For me, I want to lose weight because I became disgusted with how my own body looked. For others, I think they don't really care how they look, sad to say.
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Bamagirly
Senior Member
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Posted: 13 Dec 2010 11:08 am |
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You say that you began dieting & exercising because you became disgusted with the way you looked. You had an "epiphany moment" and decided to change. Basically, you were in the same boat as your wife, and your moment of realization came first. Now that you are making changes in your own life, and focusing on your own looks, you are now also projecting that focus on looks to your wife.
You can't expect her to have that "epiphany moment" at the same time as you do. Nevertheless, you can't make someone want to change themselves. They have to want to do it. I also understand how you feel. You are married, but not dead. You want to feel satisfied sexually and you want your wife to want to look and feel confident and sexy.
Belive me, your efforts are making her feel depressed. She has probably tried to lose weight over and over again and feels hopeless to change at this point. It really is much easier for a man to lose than a woman. I understand why you don't want to talk to her. You don't want to hurt her feelings, but if you keep having feelings of finding her unattractive and being disgusted with her eating habits, you will be ripe for an affair, and that's not good.
Talk to her. Ask her to help you lose, and tell her you want to do this together. Be honest and tell her that you really want to see her in her old confident self. And then, encourage the #%@&! out of her and unload compliments on her coming and going. Positive reinforcement is a much much stronger motivation for a woman than you could imagine.
Good luck!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 Dec 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 9953 |
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Posted: 13 Dec 2010 01:10 pm |
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Wow Bamagirly - you hit it right on the head! Great comments!
Speaking as a now-divorced woman, who 'got religion' with weight loss while my spouse sunk deeper and deeper into depression (for multiple reasons) I can look back and also say that absolutely, my losing weight/getting fit/feeling great about myself and my body were a huge source of depression for my spouse. He was always a 'big guy', but had really put on a lot of weight, to the point he was in the morbidly obese category. Our intimate life had ceased to exist, and I felt resentful that my spouse made big, fat-laden meals, and wouldn't take better care of himself, which was leading to needless health problems and a strain on me as I had to take care of him. Absolutely TALK with your wife, encourage, support, compliment, inspire, and do your best to do it TOGETHER.
I wish you the very best, and hope that she can find that spark of inspiration to get back on track with loving herself and her body. The results will be rewarding beyond measure. 
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Tricon7
New Member
| Joined: | 7 Dec 2010 |
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| Posts: | 17 |
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Posted: 13 Dec 2010 09:12 pm |
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mollymoo24 wrote: Wow Bamagirly - you hit it right on the head! Great comments!
Speaking as a now-divorced woman, who 'got religion' with weight loss while my spouse sunk deeper and deeper into depression (for multiple reasons) I can look back and also say that absolutely, my losing weight/getting fit/feeling great about myself and my body were a huge source of depression for my spouse. He was always a 'big guy', but had really put on a lot of weight, to the point he was in the morbidly obese category. Our intimate life had ceased to exist, and I felt resentful that my spouse made big, fat-laden meals, and wouldn't take better care of himself, which was leading to needless health problems and a strain on me as I had to take care of him. Absolutely TALK with your wife, encourage, support, compliment, inspire, and do your best to do it TOGETHER.
I wish you the very best, and hope that she can find that spark of inspiration to get back on track with loving herself and her body. The results will be rewarding beyond measure.
I appreciate the comments. My wife is the very chipper and upbeat type and doesn't seem to be depressed about anything. I did mention something last week about why doesn't she go on a calorie-reduction diet with me, and she politely declined for some reason or other.
I don't really understand what's holding her back. She's outgrown all her clothes, she has nothing to wear (I asked her today when we were out shopping why she was wearing her warm-up pants, and she said it's because all her jeans were too small), our love life is on life-support, and she seems very positive and encouraging about my own diet progress.
I don't think she realizes how much she's missing by being in shape - how much more we'd be intimate, how much more I"d flirt with her and notice other shapely women less.... It's like she once told me after she lost 60 lbs. how much more men were opening doors for her, doing double-takes when she went by, complimenting her, etc, and she didn't realize all that was even missing when she was heavy. In the same way, I don't think she knows how much more attention she'd get from me if she were no longer obese.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 Dec 2010 03:06 pm |
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I know I am late to comment on this. But, I just have to say unless your willing to talk to your wife about how you feel then nothing is going to happen. I would be very careful about how you do that. She can only decide to do something about her weight. You can't do it for her. It might even make her recent you and get heavier yet. So, be careful about what you say. Also, I have to ask. Would you be concerned about her weight if you were not trying to lose and be healthier yourself. You can't project your interest onto her. If she wants to diet then she will.
I can also say that I have lost and gained weight my whole life. If I ever thought that my husband didn't love me no matter what size I was I would of left him years ago. He is over weight and I don't even notice. He's still my husband and he looks great just like he did the day I married him. He could have half of his face burnt off and I would still see him as he was the day I married him. I guess I am saying that love is blind or at least that's how it is to me. So, I would say focus on yourself and don't worry about her unless it's affecting her health. Then you need to have a talk with her if that is the case.
I not trying to sound mean. That's just how I see it. But, everyones relationship is different and you have to decide how to go about this.
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Tricon7
New Member
| Joined: | 7 Dec 2010 |
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| Posts: | 17 |
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Posted: 28 Dec 2010 09:54 pm |
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cportwine wrote: I know I am late to comment on this. But, I just have to say unless your willing to talk to your wife about how you feel then nothing is going to happen. I would be very careful about how you do that. She can only decide to do something about her weight. You can't do it for her. It might even make her recent you and get heavier yet. So, be careful about what you say. Also, I have to ask. Would you be concerned about her weight if you were not trying to lose and be healthier yourself. You can't project your interest onto her. If she wants to diet then she will.
I can also say that I have lost and gained weight my whole life. If I ever thought that my husband didn't love me no matter what size I was I would of left him years ago. He is over weight and I don't even notice. He's still my husband and he looks great just like he did the day I married him. He could have half of his face burnt off and I would still see him as he was the day I married him. I guess I am saying that love is blind or at least that's how it is to me. So, I would say focus on yourself and don't worry about her unless it's affecting her health. Then you need to have a talk with her if that is the case.
I not trying to sound mean. That's just how I see it. But, everyones relationship is different and you have to decide how to go about this.
I tried to make the distinction in my earlier post, but I guess I didn't do it well enough. I'm not equating love with physical attraction. I would love my wife no matter what she looked like or what happened to her. But like I once mentioned - even she was turned off when I copied and pasted my head onto a guy with this huge gut with Photoshop. Maybe she did it without realizing the implications of that.
I know I'm kicking a dead horse here, since I can't change my wife. I just wanted to clarify a few things. I continue to do what I can to change my own body, and I hope she'll eventually follow suit. And I once did bring up her weight in the most delicate way possible, and she blew her stack and wouldn't talk to me, so I really don't want to go that route again.
I wasn't really looking for a solution to this problem; I was mostly looking for others who may have gone through/be going through this same issue who might like to share their experience, also.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 Dec 2010 04:33 pm |
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I understand what you are saying. My husband complains about his weight and lack of activity but he won't do nothing about it no matter what I suggest. I offer to have him go on walks with me and he won't. He will ride a bike with me. Maybe you can find some things that she enjoys or that you two enjoy together to do for exercise. It could be something as simple as playing bowling on a wii game. Just something to get her up and moving might help.
I also wonder at times if the lack of interest that we have in commen now will affect our relationship and it does. But, so far we have been able to deal with it. So, I hope the same is true for you.
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Wobblybum
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| Joined: | 8 Apr 2011 |
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| Posts: | 3 |
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Posted: 8 Apr 2011 10:26 pm |
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I can totally relate to your situation, however, from a different perspective. I'm the obese wife.
My husband stopped touching me and being intimate a couple of years ago, and I totally understand that it's because I'm not the woman he was originally attracted to, I'm realistic about that. My situation is a little different though. My husband isn't a big man, per se, but does like to exercise a couple of times per week. We both eat the same food, but since I had my children, I've gone gradually from a size 8 to a size 26 over the course of the past 16 years.
I did every diet I could lay my hands on, I played netball 4 times per week, several times per night, even playing in inter-club competition, yet I was still 103kg for years.
Anyway, you say your wife doesn't seem to respond to your actions, maybe that's because she's built herself a nice little wall to keep her own hurt and disgust inside.
Let me tell you how I'm feeling, and maybe you can make your own comparisons, as I don't know your entire situation, or what's transpired between you and your wife.
My husband went out and bought me a bicycle, but he never invited me to go riding with him. I slowed him down. He suggested I go walking around our neighbourhood, but he said he didn't like walking and never suggested that he come with me. He suggested I go to the gym, but he hates gyms and never suggested we go together. Maybe I could go swimming at the local pool? But he doesn't like swimming and wouldn't be caught floating dead in a swimming pool. He says the reason he doesn't make love to me anymore is not because of me, it's him. It's the tablets he takes.... but wouldn't approach his doctor to ask if there was an alternate medicine he could take. He stopped taking that medicine over a year ago, but we still aren't intimate.
He makes my lunch for me every morning when he makes his, but it rarely varies. It's always salad. You might think I'm being ungrateful, but in the 30 years we've been together, I rarely fed him the same thing two days in a row, he would have certainly said, "Not salad again!!?" Making my lunch is his idea of supporting me in trying to lose weight. But he's got it wrong.
By not being physically intimate with me, he's sent me a clear message that he doesn't find me attractive in that way, yet I know he loves me. Should that be enough, do you think? Inside this big body, I'm still the woman I used to be. I still fancy good looking men, my husband among them. I still have physical needs and desires, the same fantasies, I still have the same sense of adventure, I still want to do all the things we enjoy doing together, but because I've put on weight, the person I most want to do these thing with, thinks that I'm now too fat to do them. We don't even fish together anymore, since I lost my balance and toppled into knee deep water. I was laughing so hard I couldn't get up, but there was my husband, standing over me, seemingly disgusted that he had to haul me up. And the harder I laughed at my own silly situation, the more embarrassed and disgusted he looked. That was something I've often thought about.
How do I feel? Resentful. My husband expects me to lose weight on my own steam, with very little support from him - yet, I didn't get this way on purpose, I got this way by cooking the meals we both enjoyed through the years, and by having our babies. I've been at his beck and call, agreed to his suggestions for holiday destinations, supported him in his sport when he wouldn't be caught dead attending one of my sports games, cooked all his meals, bought his clothes, raised our children, stayed completely faithful to him, etc, etc, etc. I don't know why I can't lose weight, it's still a work in progress to figure it out. My doctor has been working with me for ten years and is baffled, because my bloodwork is great and I don't eat a lot of food. She's even suggested that my small food intake might be the problem, but then she's also suggested lap-banding to make me eat more often.
So, when I lose all this weight, after years of my husband finding me so unattractive and denying me the physical contact I crave from him all these years, what happens then? At what point in my weight loss do I suddenly become attractive again? 10kgs? No? 20kgs? 40kgs? And what is my motivating goal? So my husband will have sex with me again? Really? How do we go about that? Who makes the first move? Do I say, "Hey, I've lost 20kg, am I attractive enough to have sex with now?" If he reaches for me in bed, do I feel relief and give myself to him, or do I remember all the years of resentment and hurting when he didn't want to touch me and give him a black eye? I can have sex with anybody, there are a lot of men who really don't mind sex with a big woman, my husband is just not one of them. Sex has ceased to become a factor in my life right now, I'm more concerned with leaving my children motherless. My husband's disinterest in me physically isn't the most earth-shattering loss I could experience in life.
But I digress... how do I feel towards my husband? I feel that if I lost all this weight and made myself attractive again, would it make a difference to my marriage now? Would I be able to get past the resentment my husband's disgust and rejection has built up in me? Probably not. I've spent years building my defenses, they're not going to be easy to break through. I feel betrayed - betrayed that he's abandoned me in my weight loss quest by not giving me the support I need, his participation. I feel aloof and resigned, because that's what comes after years of feeling hurt and angry. I feel disappointment - disappointment that my husband is selfish enough to expect me to support him and look after him, but he doesn't occur to him that I need the same from him. That he isn't the man I thought he was, not on the outside, but on the inside. Why do I stay? Simple... my children, they would be devastated and I won't put them through that. What are my future plans? I have no clue, I AM going to have to lose weight, but whatever my plans are after that, they probably won't include my husband.
Whatever you decide to do to help this situation between you and your wife, do it soon.
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Nir
Senior Administrator
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Posted: 9 Apr 2011 11:46 am |
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I go to Overeaters Anonymous meetings in order to grow spiritually and make the abuse of food unnecessarily. Principles like being honest with oneself and being accepting of reality rather than being angry with it.
Overeaters Anonymous is a fellowship patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous.
There is a 12-step fellowship called Al-Anon for relatives of Alcoholics (but I don't believe there is one for relatives of Compulsive Overeaters).
Tricon7, my suggestion is that you might like to explore the Al-Anon fellowship for your own peace of mind and perhaps there will be practical suggestions they can make. Another interesting avenue to acceptance can be explored at http://www.thework.com
Wobblybum, I encourage you to explore Overeaters Anonymous to see if it feels relevant - perhaps more to dealing with your husband when you have body image issues than for actual weight loss.
For weight loss you can continue to investigate medical avenues like having your thyroid tested, and more mundane measures (like the one that worked for me) of using accurate digital food scales to weigh all foods (yes all of them) and record with calorie-counting software, and also completely change the way I eat to follow recommendations made by Dr Joel Fuhrman MD (see http://tinyurl.com/EatRightFree )
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Wobblybum
New Member
| Joined: | 8 Apr 2011 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 3 |
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Posted: 9 Apr 2011 08:50 pm |
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Thank you for your reply Nir,
I have had my thyroid tested, there's nothing untoward there. I've tried a high carbo diet, I've kept a diet diary, I am always completely honest about what I eat. I can tell you that I occasionally do eat a chocolate once or twice a week. My husband does all the shopping for the household and buys me a packet of crisps once a week too.
I guess I just have to figure out what the heck a kale, collard, swiss chard or aragula is and if there's a subtitute I can use in Australia.
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Nir
Senior Administrator
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Posted: 9 Apr 2011 09:26 pm |
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| check out The Cook's Thesauras - http://www.foodsubs.com/Greenckg.html
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Wobblybum
New Member
| Joined: | 8 Apr 2011 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 3 |
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Posted: 9 Apr 2011 11:18 pm |
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Thank you for that, very interesting. I've only heard of a few of those vegetables, but I can see many substitutes that I am familiar with as well. :)
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JSABD
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 Apr 2011 05:07 am |
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Ask your wife what she loves more, you or fattening foods. When she tells you that it's you make her prove it.
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katzjacobs
New Member
| Joined: | 11 Jul 2011 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 1 |
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Posted: 11 Jul 2011 06:58 am |
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I understand your concern, I have a very good friend who is like three times her former size. Her husband even enrolled her to a fitness center and bought different treatments just to help her slim down. ( She has high blood and high sugar level.) And she just skipped going to the gym and even ask her driver and maid to to tell her husband that she went to the gym.  We asked her to start dieting and she just told us that she is bored with her life. ( her husband is rich, she has a boy kid and she can afford everything she want) she was a fitness addict before when she was single. 
We (friends) talked with her about it and maybe you can talk with her one on one. You can tell her that you love her but you are also concern with her health and your kids. Because eventually if she got sick, your kid's will be the one who will suffer.?é?á You can also ask her friends to help her?é?á during this time. But please don't tell her that she is fat. There is nothing worst than someone you love call you fat. ( even if you have good intention about it).
Another way is to check out dietary supplements that can help you increase your metabolism rate. Im not saying that you only use the supplements and not exercise, you have to supplement your exercise and healthy diet with it. You can ask your doctor together on how to go through losing weight as it is more encouraging to have your spouse to be with you every step of the way. Look for supplements that are natural and 100% organic, there are acai berries and african mangoes in health store, but you have to check the ingredients closely and the dosages as these are not regulated by the FDA.
You can read more here:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15916709
PRODUCT LINNK REMOVED
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Katz Jacobs
Dietary And Natural Supplements
Fitness and Health Expert
Consultant, New York
Last edited on 11 Jul 2011 11:28 am by
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PuffsPlus
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 Jul 2011 09:09 am |
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Sylphide wrote: Your wife sounds like me, Tricon. I lost about 60 lbs a few years ago and gained it all back. (Actually I've lost and regained about 50 pounds a half-dozen times.)
You too, huh? Actually, in the past decade, I've lost around 45 lbs twice and regained, and then lost 78 lbs for my wedding and have regained most if not all of that. Too scared to step on the scale at this point.
BUT, I know it takes the average smoker 5 quit attempts to quit for good. And losing weight and keeping it off is much harder than smoking.
Just don't give up!
To the OP, I don't know what to tell you except that nobody can change your wife except herself. Berating her for her weight won't help. Maybe go to counseling together, where you can bring the topic up "safely" and gently and non-threateningly?
Try to schedule lots of physical activities together or as a family. Try hiking or walking together. Much easier to stick to an exercise regimen when you have a buddy. You can be sneaky and propose hiking in nearby parks as romantic outings--you want to have a picnic with her in a gorgeous outdoor setting! Our as family bonding activities if you bring the kids. When you go walking together, hold her hand and be especially affectionate. Tell her you like watching her bum wiggle when she swims laps (no joke, that's what my hubby has told me!  ) Positive reinforcement is key.
Make eating times pleasant and try to eat meals together. Maybe even cook together as a couples thing. Pick recipes that you really want to try, making sure of course that they are healthy and have lots of veggies. Chop vegetables together. Save the leftovers for brown bag lunches for both of you to pack during the week (to keep her from eating out at fast food joints). Drink red wine together. Light candles and make eating together romantic and relaxed. If you eat slowly and deliberately, chances are she will too. AND you will be having good bonding time with your kids as you all eat together.
Last edited on 11 Jul 2011 09:13 am by PuffsPlus
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martinsphinx
New Member
| Joined: | 28 Mar 2011 |
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| Posts: | 32 |
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Posted: 12 Jul 2011 11:28 am |
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You have to control your wife. She will understand that you will do it for her own benefits and health.
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PuffsPlus
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 Jul 2011 01:17 pm |
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You can't control another person. Trying will only make her angry. If the wife wants to lose weight, she'll have to learn to control her own eating habits.
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JSABD
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 Jul 2011 11:32 pm |
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She can eat responsibly and as I demonstrated here if someone refuses to eat responsible it is always and matter of won't.
Ask her what means more to her her health and looking good for you or her junk food. When she says that her health and food mean more to her make her prove it.
There are no valid reason for anyone being overweight but there are a lot of excuses and cop outs. You need to hold her feet to the fire on this and if she tries to BS you make her pay and come down on her with both feet.
Another thing to for which to be on the lookout is her sabotaging your efforts. Fat people love to do that. Gluttony loves company.
There is a valuable resource called My Fat Spouse. It is a support forum for people married to a fat spouse. It was recently invaded by fat acceptance trolls but they are easily ignored.
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